As an AP student and committed band nerd, my high school experience was always more about personal achievement than social success. It was only recently that I discovered that this is undesirable. So undesirable, in fact, that young women often suffer from poor self-esteem and depression because they hide intelligence and confidence, qualities seen as liabilities.
It is ingrained in the Bible of Attracting Men: be smart (but not smarter than him), have a career (but earn less than he does), and be independent (but satisfy his ego).
Instilled at a young age, the idea of repressing ambition and intelligence to attract men is damaging and counter-intuitive. It blows my mind that this is a real problem. Many women have openly admitted to playing down their achievements to make men feel less “insecure.” What’s equally worrying is that this seems to work (at a base level at least). Men find women who are “dumb” easier to impress and easier to control. Sounds a bit predatory.
Masking the details of an Ivy-League education and high-paying job to attract men devalues the effort that it has taken to get to that level. Women are encouraged to show more interest in a man’s career to stroke his ego and to avoid bringing up their own professional goals.
This “technique” attempts to make women more attractive but instead forces them to feel ashamed of their own success. It also reinforces the gender roles that we are so desperately trying to eradicate from our society. It supports the myth that a man must be the intellectual leader as well as the breadwinner in a relationship.
Furthermore, it subconsciously prevents women from being proud of their accomplishments and viewing them as equal to a man’s. If we can’t accept our own equality, how can we compel others to do so?
Playing stupid also insults your prospective date. Many guys complain that smart women can be condescending and some women have taken that complaint to heart. There is a difference between being modest and hiding one's talents completely. Pride in yourself is not equivalent to arrogance. In fact, dumbing yourself down is just as condescending as bragging. It’s like talking excruciatingly slowly to every foreign-looking person you meet. It's rude. Even if intellect is not mutual, it may be valued, and that is certainly better than lying about yourself.
That being said, it’s not wrong to have intellectual standards. If a guy can’t carry a conversation past Monday Night Football and that’s not your cup of tea, it’s okay to move on. Many intelligent, career-driven women need someone who admires their passion, if not shares it. When they hide their intelligence they shoot themselves in the foot and end up with people around whom they can’t be themselves. A man who fails to appreciate your intelligence or worse, feels threatened by it, is not the best person to have in your life.
It’s okay to be a smart woman. We’re the ones who will end up accomplishing our goals, making a difference in the world, and meeting partners who genuinely value and stimulate our intellects. Put away the charade, be confident of your achievements and watch the guys line up.
