We Sleep To Dream – And To Function

We Sleep To Dream – And To Function

With finals coming up, how would I deal with sleep, the persistent vial?

While I was eating breakfast one morning, my father showed me an article with an interesting title, suggesting the phrase “I’ll Sleep When I Die” could end up being a killer philosophy, as a lack of sleep can result in diabetes and an earlier death. It was because he noticed me going to bed at midnight and waking up at six in the morning to catch the bus to the University of Washington from my home in Lynnwood.

This wasn’t something I saw myself doing in high school—even when I was struggling on a project or procrastinating, going to bed at midnight was rare, as it would be in bed by eleven o’clock. It wasn’t ideal, as a teenager should get between nine to ten hours of sleep a night; yet I felt a source of superiority towards my other classmates, who would work until one in the morning before they fell asleep. This is not considering the swim team; it is said that they woke up at around four to go to the pool and to practice.

I’d like to think that it’s because of the workload which I entangled with—because of papers and readings and translations I have to do, I fully intend to finish them all.

Simultaneously, distractions popped up, pushing bedtime further into the night and homework to the back burner. And every time, I would go to bed defeated, trying to indulge in a certain amount of unconsciousness before the cycle repeats again.

Sleep is something I would usually take for granted—or at least, I would assume I had enough time to do so. Even if I went to bed at two in the morning, where one would have the deepest sleep according to the biological clock, I could assume to get eight hours of sleep on a holiday or a weekend. I know if I did so during the weekdays, I would only sleep for four hours a night, which would not be ideal in any way.

Either way, I find myself nearly dozing off in classes, struggling to pay attention to everything while my eyelids become heavy. I recently took to napping on the bus when I really wanted to read whatever book I want to read for fun. I would read a bit, then zone out. While looking at nothing in particular, I zone out from everything.

I haven’t noticed how a lack of sleep has impacted my life. The need to nap is prominent—while I’ve noticed a lot of people doing so in the library or any other possible location they could, I felt like I didn’t have a major need to do so. That arrogance has also cracked over the last few months.

A lot of people value breaks and weekends for the fact they can hit the golden eight hours of sleep, maybe nine or ten if they are lucky. I assumed I would always get it, but nowadays, I have to discipline myself to get a lot of sleep—like all the little things I have to worry about in this life.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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The Nike Controversy that Makes no Sense

Nike has been facing backlash recently, for reasons I just cannot understand.


Nike recently released a plus sized workout clothing line, equipped with beautiful plus size mannequins to advertise their brand. Instead of many in the fitness community rejoicing in this milestone, Nike is facing criticism because people believe that Nike is portraying unhealthy weight standards to their customers.

These individuals believe that the size that is portrayed by Nike's mannequins is obese, and as a result, is telling others that being a size like that is okay. Yet, the mannequins that are usually portrayed in Nike's stores, rarely represent body types of real people.

As I read these comments, I thought to myself – are these people crazy? Think about the men and women who have spent months, maybe even years, trying to lose enough weight just to fit into Nike's plus sized brand! As well, bigger women deserve clothes to work out in. It should not matter if they are "obese" they are working towards a healthier lifestyle.

The backlash being faced by Nike is the mentality that prevents many from even joining a gym. I can completely understand the fear an individual experiences when entering the gym, surrounded by people who look like fitness gods, and you feel like everybody is judging you. As if you do not belong in a gym.

I will never understand how creating more barriers for individuals will motivate others to exercise. In my own opinion, attractive workout clothes are more than enough to motivate me to get to the gym!

Do not let the mentality of fat-shaming, and others fear of a little jiggle prevent you from flaunting Nike's new style, and creating a healthier lifestyle for you

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