I'm 19 years old, 5 foot 7 inches tall, and my weight fluctuates from 110-118 pounds; I don't take up much space. My body flirts with the line between underweight and "healthy" on the BMI scale like it's its job. Most people would say that, at least according to society, I have the desired "ideal" figure. Why, then, do I struggle with feeling like my body isn't ideal at all?
I struggle with the scale, but not in the way that most people would think. I don't look in the mirror and see myself as bigger than I actually am, in fact, I probably see myself as smaller than I actually am. My heart hurts for those who suffer from anorexia, bulimia, or any body dysmorphic disorder which causes them to hate and hurt their body. Thankfully, I don't suffer from those illnesses, but people often assume that I do. I don't understand how some people think, "Girl, you're so skinny, you could be anorexic!" can be a casual comment. It's insulting to me and especially to those who actually have those disorders. Belittling mental disorders and associating my physical appearance with an illness is never a compliment.
More often than not, those comments aren't made directly towards me, but towards people on the internet. It hurts when you hear negative comments about people who you soon realize look just like you. There have been many times when I've clicked on the comments of an advertisement which features a girl who looks a lot like me, only to find statements like "She needs a cheeseburger!" and "She's stick straight! Real women have curves." I understand that most advertisements have been photoshopped and I wholeheartedly agree that it's wrong and sets unrealistic standards on men and women; however, my general body type tends to fit those portrayed in advertisements more often than types I see in day-to-day life. It's hard to feel good about myself when I see people attacking another woman who looks just like me.
In my usual daily life, I'm not confronted with negativity to that degree. Most often, people make innocent remarks like "The wind could just blow you away!" or "You sure escaped the 'freshman fifteen'." These comments don't offend me, especially since I know the people who say them don't have bad intentions, but they do sting a little since I battle with my weight. They're also just awkward to respond to--how are you supposed to deal with a direct comment about your weight that doesn't seem to be a compliment or an insult? Usually it's considered rude to mention someone's weight, but it seems to be okay if the person is thin.
I'm starting to realize that I've spent so much time obsessing over the scale, weighing at multiple times during the day. I've eaten way too much unhealthy food just to try to get to 120 pounds (fun fact: skinny does not equal healthy). I've done the research, found out there's not much out there about gaining weight, and tried everything I could actually find. I'm slowly, but finally, coming to the realization that I need to stop. I need to stop trying to change myself to become what others call a "real woman." If a woman is defined by her curves and lack of boniness, then I'll never be a real woman; however, I would like to think that there's more to being a woman than the curvature of my hips. I think I'll focus on growing in strength and compassion. I'd like to work on dignity, grace, and boldness, not checking the scale every 12 hours. I want to become the woman God wants me to be, not one who is focused on the fleeting beauty of the body, but one who is diligent in allowing Him to adorn her soul in grace and righteousness.
If you struggle with your body image, I want to encourage you: you are completely beautiful the way you are. Take care of yourself; you are most beautiful when you are healthy and happy. You are one-of-a-kind, literally no one else in the world looks just like you do. Don't waste your God-given uniqueness by conforming to someone else's standard.
