Judging people used to be so simple; what happened? The Jewish Community needs to be able to judge people easily in order to survive! These judgments are especially important when it comes to men. It used to be as simple as judging a boy by his kippah, but lately, it isn’t as easy. That's why we, S&J, have decided to go back to the roots: judge a boy by his name!
We scrolled through “Yeshiva University: in the Know” to make sure our list was covering all the classic Jewish boy names. Sorry to all the boys out there with secular names--looks like you won’t know S&J’s spot-on judgments of you. In order to make this as comprehensible as possible, we decided to give some snap judgments and then rate them on a scale of 1-10, based on how likely we would each be to date someone with that name.
Adam:
“He's a bit of a show-off, but he's smart."
"He's also sometimes annoying, but in a sweet way, because he cares too much?"
“Watch out--he might turn around and tell you he doesn’t talk to girls."
Dating Rating: S-4, J-8
Aryeh:
"He's a nerd."
"Yeah, he's like that lanky skinny guy you see at the poetry slam.”
"His name might mean lion but his roar is like a little kitty."
Dating Rating: S-3, J-6
Asher:
"After the first date you'll basically be planning your vort (engagement party)."
"Asher smiles at you and you can picture the next 100 years of your life together."
Dating Rating: S-9, J-7
Avi:
“Pretentious, rude.”
“Thinks he's better than you because his peyot (sidelocks) touch his shoulders.”
Dating Rating: S-2, J-5
Binyamin:
“Their voice is the only one that matters at a kumitz (sing along).”
“But then after the kumitz, you have an awkward conversation and you just wish he'd stop talking and sing again.”
Dating Rating: S-4, J-2
David:
“Davids are hard to peg. You could either end up with a tzaddik or the guy who tries to sit on your lap on the shidduch shuttle.”
Dating Rating- S-6, J-3
Eitan:
“The type of guy that thinks it's socially acceptable to tell you that you're overstepping the bounds of feminism.”
Dating Rating: S-5, J-7
Ezra:
“You think about them for a long time and nothing good will ever come from it."
“There's a lot hidden under that black velvet kippah.”
Dating Rating: S-0, J-0
Gavi:
“A good guy.”
“Such a nice guy, but too caught up in law school to ever pay attention to you.”
Dating Rating: S-2, J-6
Hillel:
“His passion drives him to do nice things. However, he also might stalk your Facebook pics at 2 a.m."
Dating Rating: S-7, J-5
Ilan:
“He’s the type that catches your eye one day randomly and without having met him, he’s all you think about.”
“He will end up sitting across from you on a bus and you will just pray to God he talks to you.”
Dating Rating: S-8, J-9
Jacob:
“Jake vs Jacob is very important to note.”
“Jacobs are the nicest and sweetest friend-zoned guys out there.”
“Jakes will send you mixed messages, and their good looks will trick you into thinking they're game.”
“Will most likely add you on Snapchat and tell you you’re so funny.”
Dating Rating: S - 5 for Jacob, 1 for Jake. J - 4 for Jacob, 1 for Jake
Josh:
“Josh's are good.”
“Baruch Hashem (Thank God).”
Dating Rating: S-10, J-8
Meir:
“While they might have a little growing up to do, you can always rely on Meir to liven up a Sabbath meal with his beautiful voice.”
“Most likely an accounting major--arrogantly so.”
“Obsessed with ‘Squad Goals’”
Dating Rating: S-4, J-4
Moshe:
“Two things come to mind when you say Moshe, the first: Rabbeinu. The second: Aww.”
Dating Rating: S-8, J-6
Netanel:
“Think highly of themselves and only sometimes deserve to.”
“The pretentious smirk is actually kind of cute.”
Dating Rating: S-3, J-7
Noah:
“Watch out, he's probably been dating someone for three years.”
Dating Rating- S-1, J-1
Shimon:
“Pretty nebby usually.”
Dating Rating: S-6, J-7
Tzvi:
“Tzvis have such a bright neshama (soul) that you have to look away.”
Dating Rating: S-8, J-9
Yaakov:
”Yaakov vs. Yaacov.”
“That ‘C’ makes a difference.”
“Yaacov will take you out to Wolf & Lamb for your birthday, Yaakov will shoot you a text.”
Dating Rating: S-9 for C, 3 for K. J-7 for C, 2 for K.
Yehuda:
''Huge dorks, but are somehow always dating somebody.”
“The guy you know it would be nice to date but it's just not shiach (appropriate).”
Dating Rating: S-7, J-4
Yosef:
“The perfect shidduch (match).”
“Prince Charming.”
“You'll be checking him out from across the mechitza (divider in synagogue).”
Dating Rating: S-7, J-10
Yoni:
“The kind of guy you go on Torah Tours with.”
Dating Rating: S-6, J-3
Zach:
“He probably goes to an Ivy League.”
“Probably attractive.”
“The type of guy you would be seen in the cafeteria with.”
Dating Rating: S-5, J-9
So now that everything has been so clearly broken down ladies, go out there and find a Yosef or Tzvi of your own. Maybe you will finally get Baruch to ask you out or Meir to grow up. We wish you all the best on your shidduchim. And boys, if your resumes are getting overlooked, maybe this is why! Just remember, the “C” makes a difference.
