When I was at work the other night, I decided to try on a few new pairs of jeans. The ones I had at home were getting too big for me, so I went down a few sizes. I grabbed a fitting room key, and let myself in the fitting room expecting the worst. Around this time last year, I was between a size 13 and 11. The other night, I managed to zip up a pair of jeans in a size 7. This has not happened since I was in middle school, which means I am currently the skinniest I have been in eight years.

I wanted to celebrate that moment, but at the same time, I still felt like crap. I hated the way I looked in high school, I would remember looking at myself in the mirror in the locker room, and just stare at how huge my thighs were and feeling even worse when someone skinnier than me walked by. And back then I would visit the store I currently work at now to try on jeans sometimes. The biggest size they had at the time was an 11, and I couldn’t get them past my thighs. There have been many times I stood in that fitting room feeling defeated. One summer, I was able to squeeze into a pair of their shorts in an 11. I had a huge muffin top and my thighs were bursting out of them, but I wore them anyway despite all the times my parents told me I looked horrible in them. I still wore those shorts because the fact that I was able to get into them meant everything to me. The other night, not only did I get a size 7 past my thighs, I was able to zip them up. And I feel guilty for reaching what my high school self would consider a milestone.

I wish size didn’t matter to me. I can tell everyone else that, I tell other people that they should love their bodies the way they are. But I just can’t get myself to tell myself the same thing. I want to be happy about being thinner than I was in high school. But here’s the problem: I did not lose the weight in a healthy way. I suffer from severe anxiety and panic disorder, and I often have trouble eating because I have no appetite. So I didn’t lose the weight on purpose, it just happened that way. I tell people I lost the weight from dance, and I really wish that was the case. I hate having anxiety, and I would not wish it on anyone, but for once I feel okay with the way I look. And one thing I fear is that if my anxiety goes away one day, I will gain all of my weight back.

I would not be writing this if I lost weight on a healthy diet and regular exercise. It really sucks that I could feel good about the way I looked in high school. What I miss the most about high school is being able to eat as much as I wanted, and not having any anxiety at all. But I traded in the extra weight for living in constant fear. I want to get better, and not have to worry about how I’m going to look.

But there’s something I should also add. If you want to lose weight, if you want to work on your body, that’s completely okay as long as you do it in the healthiest way for YOU. Don’t do it because other people are making you. Only do it if you personally want the change and feel that you could do it comfortably. Don’t deprive yourself or do what I did and not treat your anxiety.

And that’s what I need to work on. I need to do something about my anxiety and establish a healthy diet. I don’t want to still be waking up every night at 3 am gasping for air just so I can wear those shorts without my parents telling me I look too fat in them. It’s exhausting. And I don’t want to have to worry about how my recovery body is going to look.

What I’m saying is you should feel good about the way you look. If you like how you look and you FEEL healthy, meaning you’re not deprived, and you are able to eat as much as you want, that is terrific! Keep doing what you’re doing. But if you would prefer to lose or gain weight, that is completely fine too, but don’t torture yourself. It’s your choice and it should only be yours, change something or don’t.

When my anxiety goes away, I still want to be the same size as I am now, and I should be allowed to want that. But I realize that what I need to work on is making sure I am only maintaining my shape in a healthy way. And by healthy I mean being able to enjoy my meals, not torturing myself at the gym, and being able to sleep at night. But I have a long way to go until I find my niche.