"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."- Robert Frost
I remember the morning of February 16, 2007 like it was yesterday. It was a Friday morning, the day before February vacation. It was cloudy and dark outside. But, I was excited because I got a heap of Valentine's Day candy that year and a week off from school! Yes, I was so excited to be lazy for an entire week and visit my dad in the hospital.
However, this morning would change my life forever. My mom came into my room and woke me up earlier than usual. She told me I didn't have to go to school today, that something happened to my dad and she had to go to the hospital. I asked her apprehensively, "Did he die?" my mothers mournful expression gave me the answer I needed.
Although the news of my father's passing felt like my heart collapsed into my stomach, it was not unexpected. For six months prior to his passing he had endless surgeries, ambulance rides, and hospital visits. In September 2006 he was diagnosed with glioblastoma, which is a very deadly, cancerous brain tumor. I learned during this time that brain cancer can dramatically impact how a person acts, and change their entire personality. I watched the dad I knew turn into a completely different person. At times, he would act like a child, cry uncontrollably, and at other times act extremely aggressive and mean towards my mother and I.
The past decade since he has passed hasn't been easy. It took many years of grief, anger, and reflection to finally come to terms with losing a loved one during such a fragile time in my childhood. Now that ten years have passed I can honestly say, losing a parent during my childhood was tragic, but also has been a time period of appreciation for the gift of life.
1. Everyone expresses loss differently.
When my father passed, I didn't feel the need to grieve until a few years after his passing. The five stages of grief which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are not in a linear order which we can expect to happen at a scheduled time. Maybe you see another relative act differently to a sudden loss of a loved one. It is OK to not be in shambles when a loved one dies. It is OK to be in shambles after the loss of a loved one. It is okay to feel mixed emotions, confused, angry, relieved that they are no longer suffering. Don't feel guilty for how you are expressing yourself, there isn't a handbook with rules that dictate how to grieve and heal.
2. This loss will always be a part of you.
My dad will be gone for ten years in February, and I still have periods of time where the grief feels like the first day all over again. Birthdays, major accomplishments, certain places you use to go with this person, photos, and videos will sometimes still strike an emotional chord even years after their passing. The loss of a loved one is something that will always be with you. However, do NOT define yourself from this loss. You are still the same person you were before you lost this person. YOU are strong, YOU are the same person with the talents and intelligence you always possessed. This loss will always live with you, but don't EVER let this loss define you. Your parent, friend, or loved one would not want this for you. They would want you to live your life to your potential.
3. There will be hard days.
Grief doesn't always hit you on expected days, like the anniversary of their death or even on their birthday. Sadness tends to hit you more when you don't see it coming. The hard days aren't always going to be predictable. Grieving could be on a beautiful, radiant spring morning. You are overcome with sadness because you hear a song on the radio your parent use to sing to you, you see the Red Sox won the first game of the season, and it reminds you of how much your parents loved to watch baseball. This is okay, give yourself a moment, and go about your day. There will be hard days, hard months There may even be hard years, but you have to keep on living.
4. Don't feel guilty.
Maybe the last interaction you had with your parent wasn't the nicest, maybe you felt like you didn't go visit them enough at the hospital, maybe you felt like you didn't get to say goodbye, or maybe you see a friend who has a great relationship with their parents and you long to have just another moment with yours. My father was not a perfect man, we did not have a perfect relationship, he had his inner demons, I was no "daddy's girl." There was no perfect fairy tale like family ambiance growing up. Don't blame yourself. Stop punishing yourself, and remember everything life hands us happens for a reason. The reason? I have no idea. But please, stop being so hard on yourself. Stop thinking you could have done something different. or spent that extra hour with them at the hospital or at home. This situation was completely out of your control.
5. Forgiveness.
I would be lying if I said my father and I had many heartfelt memories. We didn't; my father was a recovering alcoholic for many years. He battled his own issues, and at times took it out on his family. I felt such great agony when my father passed. We didn't have the perfect relationship. The last memory I have of seeing my father was not a loving one; he was not kind to me. For many years I thought my father hated me, and that I wasn't good enough for a parent to love. Guilt turned into anger towards my father. However, in order to find peace within myself I knew I had to forgive him. I found it in myself to forgive my father. He battled his own issues, but that doesn't mean I wasn't good enough to be valued as a child. I was good enough for a parent to acknowledge and spend time with. I learned to remember the positive times I had with my dad. Before he was sick, he would take me to Castle Island in South Boston. Every year for his birthday I go there and reflect on the positive memories I had with him when we would go there together.
6. You begin to appreciate all aspects your life so much more.
Life and death are inevitable factors of this world we live in. But because I lost my dad at such a young age I learned to appreciate the time I have with those around me so much more. I wouldn't consider myself to be a person with a thousand people to turn to, but the few people I have for support I truly appreciate more than anything. Loss is a part of life, it always will be. Losing my dad was hard, but the journey I have overcame in these past ten years has allowed me to become a much more intuitive and independent individual. If you were to ask me three years ago, I would have told you I would give up a year of my life just to talk to my dad one last time. Now, I would no longer give that year of my life up. I want to make the most of my life while I am still here. I value the time I have with those around me so much more now. We never know when we are going to lose somebody, time is fragile. I am thankful to still be here.
While losing my dad was a tragic time in my childhood, I am thankful for each moment I had with him.I now realize, the eleven years I had with my dad were an incredible learning experience that shapes who I am today. I am still here, my dad will always live on in me! I want you to know that your loved one will always live on with you, throughout your many accomplishments in life. My father was not a perfect man, but he tried and that is something I will always be thankful for. I am thankful for life.
