I’ve often had people ask me, “How do you do it?” And what they’re referring to, is how do I keep going every day. How do I still manage to wake up and get out of bed every morning? How do I manage to keep my child fed or clothed when, let’s be honest, most jobs don’t pay you enough money? How do I still have a smile on my face after everything that has transpired the past few months?

Truth is; I don’t. It’s an act. It’s all an act.

Last year, I went in for my yearly checkup, the normal one, not the lady one, but it was a new doctor. So he’s doing all the physical things, listening to my heart, my breathing, etc. And then he asked me a question, a strange one I thought at first, but then I saw his point. He noticed that I had one child, asked me how old he was and if he was an active little boy or pretty calm. But then the strange question came; “What do you do for yourself?” I’ll be honest, I started laughing. This doctor seriously thought I had time for myself? So I said to him, “Well, I don’t, really. I’m essentially a single mother, my husband is overseas right now. My parents help me out, but I try not to abuse that.”

He said, “So you’re a type A personality, huh?” And I smiled and shook my head yes. I had been that way my whole life. If you don’t know, a type A personality is someone who just keeps going and going, like the energizer bunny. These people are perfectionists, a bit impatient and highly stressed. I don’t like wasting time. I can’t relax because there’s always something that needs to be done; dishes, laundry, cleaning up Hayden’s room, there’s always something.

So when people ask me, how I do it, how do I keep going, I just smile and tell them that I’m a type A personality. That’s all I know how to do. I don’t relax, I keep going until everyone around me is happy, then I’ll take care of myself.

But besides that, I have a little boy depending on me. All he knows is that when he wakes up, I’ll be there to say good morning and make him breakfast. I’ll be there to get him dressed and ready to go to school. We brush our teeth together, put our shoes on together and out the door we go. Depending on the day, I might already be at work, so my sister and her husband help me out, or I have to work late, so they’ll pick him up. But then I’m missing out on dinner, bubble bath, story time and bedtime. And I feel so guilty. Those little moments are what make up a lifetime. Either way, I’m still just going, going, going. Until I crash.

I had a friend recently say to me, “If I was going through what you were going through, I would just stay in my room, crying. You are strong.” I told her that wasn’t an option for me. As depressed and exhausted and frustrated as I am, I have to keep going, for my son.

But, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Sometimes, I do just sit in my room and have a good cry. It’s very therapeutic and cathartic. Sometimes I have to give myself a speech to get out of bed and go to work. I’m not doing what I love, but, I’m working at a place that pays me JUST ENOUGH to cover my bills. Sometimes, I wish I could relax, I wish I could just go have a spa day, and not worry about everything that needs to be done. But then, reality check, I can’t do that. I’m a single mom to a little boy who deserves the world and I don’t have the luxury of spending money on something I don’t necessarily need.

Fact of the matter is, I’d rather struggle now, while my son is too young to form permanent memories, then down the road, be able to give him everything he could possibly want in life. I would rather push myself to my limit, than see my son unhappy. And that’s what I’m going to do. I can relax when he goes off to college