The world is filled with billions and billions of people who thoroughly enjoy displaying their love for others through copious amounts of hugs, kisses, and an overall invasion of other's personal space. Cute, right?
Wrong. I am not one of those people. In fact, if it was socially acceptable to do so, I would tattoo the following phrase on my forehead: DON'T TOUCH ME.
Okay, before you go on calling me a hater or a cynic, hear me out: I'm simply allergic to humanity and feelings. I highly respect my personal bubble--which, might I add, is quite large.
But I'm not completely emotionless or incapable of love--I simply display my love for others in different ways. If any of this sounds like you, here are the 17 tell-tale signs that you, too, are allergic to human beings.
1. Your friends and family have to ask for your permission to give you a hug.
They've gotten to know you well over the years and know that physical contact is a touchy subject--irony intended. It's not that you don't love them, you just really love your personal space. And you know they love you right back when they ask. You almost always say yes...almost.
2. This becomes a problem with strangers.
People who don't know you assume you're like everyone else and really love hugs. Except you're not. So when people you've just met lean in for a big ole hug, you make sure there's plenty of room for Jesus, if you know what I mean. Or, you stiff arm them. #awkwardhugger
3. As a result, you've become a professional side hugger.
When you have to hug, this is your go to. Minimal touching is what you like and that's what the side hug allows.
4. You prefer to fist bump than high five or *shivers* shake someone's hand.
Knuckle touching is far less intimate than full palming it. Also, fist bumping is just way cooler than a handshake anyway. Imagine sealing a business deal with a fist bump. I mean, that's a done deal now. You guys ~fist bumped~.
5. You hate family parties because of the hugging expectation...
Why do we have to hug both when we get there AND when we leave?? Isn't once more than enough?? *cringes* You'd rather just throw up a quick peace sign and gracefully exist, untouched.
6. ...and the cheek kissing expectation.
Like Ariana Grande, you try to swoop and dodge, but eventually, you must meet inevitable defeat. And disgust.
7. You cringe when you're sitting on the couch and someone else's thigh touches yours.
Don't be like Tom Cruise. There are separate couch cushions FOR A REASON. Stay in yo *couch cushion, people.
8. You still don't understand why tapping on the shoulder to get someone's attention is a thing.
^Me whenever someone taps me on the shoulder. Whatever happened to, "Excuse me?" or "Miss?" Both are just as polite and don't involve any personal space invading.
9. Whenever you see any PDA or normal human interactions, you practically gag.
10. This is also why you suck at comforting others.
*taps friend on shoulder with index finger, maintaining at least an arm's length of distance* there, there.
11. Close talkers are your worst nightmare.
You know the close talkers--the people who lean in just a tad too far when they're speaking to you, as if they always have some sort of secret to tell, but they could really just be talking about something as mundane as the weather. They are chronic personal bubble invaders and they must be avoided at ALL costs.
12. Crowded places are also your worst nightmare.
SO MANY BODIES. Whether it be a concert, the club, or even the grocery store, you pray that you make it out alive as strangers' body parts rub up against yours and make you wish you lived alone in Siberia.
13. People, in general, are your worst nightmare.
When it comes to showing affection, people are the worst. Just wave and say hello like the rest of us affection-haters want.
14. A lot of people think you're cold.
Not true. Just because I don't like hugs doesn't mean I'm a cold-hearted killer. I like puppies--doesn't that stand for something?
15. Oftentimes, you suspect this is probably the reason why you're single.
But then some creep goes ahead and reassures you of why you're alright being single for now--and why as little physical contact as possible is sometimes a good thing.
16. You identify with prickly organisms.
You know, cacti, porcupines, thorn bushes--things people don't touch.
17. You think that maybe one day your unaffectionate ways will change...
...but probably not. #sorrynotsorry
