Leaving a toxic relationship can be one of the most liberating, yet debilitating experiences you will ever encounter. They can make their way into your life without the slightest hint of what’s ahead. One day there is a person in your life who gives you stability, strength and brings out a confidence in you that you could never find within yourself. The next thing you know that person is consuming every bit of strength you once had, leaving you feeling hopeless and searching senselessly for the confidence to walk away from them. The day that you finally do will bring you such a sense of relief, and freedom. But there are a few things that you will not be prepared for.
Leaving will be the hardest part. Harder than the words they said or the bruises and scars that they left on your skin and your heart. It will be the most blissful dream, that only leaves you waking up to face a harsh reality. But darling, whatever you do, don’t close your eyes to find comfort in the same dream.
You will find yourself missing the things they didn't do, more than the things they did: the relief you felt when they didn’t come home angry, the happiness you felt when they didn’t start a fight. No matter how much proof you have of their negativity, you'll do everything in your power to remember the things they did right. Finding the good in a person riddled with pain will be the hardest habit to break.
Guilt will consume you. On your lonely days with your thoughts as your only company, and on the noisy days where your ears ring with their cries and apologetic voicemails. You'll feel bad for being the one to walk away, for taking away their second chances. You will question the choices that you made, and replay each moment; you will realize that maybe things could have been different if you would have just stayed. No matter how much you tell yourself that what you did was right, or how deep down you know that what you did was best for you, there will always be a slight tinge of regret lurking in the saddest parts of your mind.
No matter how much you tell yourself otherwise, you will still care. You will think of them at night, when the tossing and turning leaves you alone with their memory, and when you're driving to the grocery store and a song reminds you of the way things used to be. You will want to check in on them from time to time, hoping they have found a way to live their life happily. A piece of you will always hold onto their memory.
You will be okay. Your scars will slowly fade, and one day the pain and hurt will all be but a blurred image not often revisited. You will find a way to trust again and let down the walls they helped you build so high. Most importantly, you will forgive them for the pain that they caused you- and forgive yourself for the time that you stayed.
