This last week I stumbled upon a very comprehensive history of my dating life from sixth grade to my sophomore year of high school.
I wrote this when I was in college and thought that it would be therapeutic to break down the details and aspects of my relationships.
It definitely helped and it was absolutely something I needed to do at the time, but when I stumbled upon this 26-page document in my Google drive, I cringed as I clicked it open.
As I read through it all I could think about what how many times I allowed myself to be in situations that were not good for my self-esteem or mental health.
Obviously, as kids in sixth grade we were all far more concerned about that status of saying you were dating someone than the actual quality of the relationship, but I can't help but retroactively hurt a little for middle school and high school Abby and all the nonsense she put herself through. (And this was before I even got to college and all the "fun" that dating there has to offer).
After I finished that initial chronicle, I jumped over to the blog that I kept for the majority of college. (Insert more cringing here). My fun little trip down that memory lane really just caused me to look back on it and say "What the hell?! Was I really just that delusional?"
The situations that I allowed myself to be put in and the total backward view I had on what a functional relationship was made my head spin. I couldn't believe that I was so convinced that all these signs of very broken and unhealthy relationships were just normal.
Looking back over ten years of my dating life, through all the failed Tinder dates, awful fights with significant others, cheating, manipulations etc etc etc, I can't believe that I still found the strength or drive to date at all after college. In fact, looking back on all that messiness makes me understand why I told myself at the end of last October that the OkCupid date I had with this guy was going to be my last for a while if it didn't go well.
Incidentally, it didn't really go well for either of us, but for some reason we decided to go on a second date. Now we are very happily dating, living together, very much in love and coming up on our 1 year anniversary. Dating, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Oh, and after reading through all my failed relationships I went home and gave him a very long hug and thanked him for being so wonderful and normal.
Anyway, my whole point with this long lament about failed relationships past is that we shouldn't let our fears and reflections on past dating experiences tarnish the possibility of our future. We all find the person who makes all that go away and who makes you giddy school girl level happy. (It will happen. Wipe that eye roll away. I just saw it happen again to a girlfriend.)
You just have to be patient and you have to push through all the awkward first dates, the frat stars of college, the painful Tinder conversations, "will they text me after the date?" anxiety and the constant worry that things are going to fail.
It'll happen. I know it will. It happened to me right as I was giving up and slowly being convinced that I was going to live alone with a cat or two.
Don't lose your idealistic view of love. Your dancing in the rain, kissing in the snow, cuddling under blankets and giggling into the night love it coming. I know it is.
