This is the hardest thing I have ever shared publicly. This week there has been an explosion on social media of men and women standing up and sharing their stories of sexual assault and abuse. The movement has created a hashtag #MeToo, that has been used over a million times. This movement won't end sexual assault, or harassment, or rape.
However, It will help us as human beings see that this is not just a small issue that only affects college girls who 'drink too much' or 'make bad decisions' (eye roll). It is something that happens at the workplace, in schools, in public, to strangers, in families, and at home. Anyone can be a victim or perpetrator.
I am the mother of a young son. I want him to treat people with respect and dignity. I want him to see every person as a human being who deserves compassion. And because of that, I feel like I need to be honest. I am a woman. I am smart, kind, witty, and compassionate. I love to read and paint, and build things. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a friend. And I have been raped. But, I refuse to be a victim.
My story is similar to thousands of others and completely different from millions more. The details of the stories don't matter as much as the overall problem. However, the details are all that are focused on by mainstream media and society in general. What was I wearing? Was I drinking? Was I flirting, or leading him on in some way?
Did I say "No," or "Stop," or fight back? Am I sure I didn't just regret it the next morning, and decide it was rape to make myself look less embarrassing? These are the questions that we get asked as rape victims. The proof we must give. As if bruises, and tears, and blood aren't enough. But rapists get no questions. They get excuses. Was she drinking? Was she flirting with you? What was she wearing? As if the answers to these questions in any way change the fact that rape is rape.
I wasn't drinking. I was dressed the way I damn well wanted to be. And I said no. I fought and I cried and it didn't matter. I stayed silent and it didn't matter.
Because I didn't matter. Not to him.
The #MeToo movement won't change things. Not by itself. Nothing will change unless we stop shaming victims, and stop making excuses and justifications for the rapists. Rape culture is the fact that this happened four years ago, and I am still terrified that I will be blamed. It's the fact that because I knew this man, and was on a date when this happened, I am afraid that I will be blamed.
It's the fact that because he was a young, white, marine, he will automatically be innocent until proven innocent. He knows my name and what city I live in, even though he lied about almost every piece of information he gave me, including his name. It's the reason that I didn't come forward. I was told that it would look bad because I had been out with him before, and we had even been intimate. That I would look less "credible". But fuck that.
Choosing to go on a date with someone does not automaticallyt mean that I OWE them sex. The fact that I chose to have sex with this person previously, in no way makes them ENTITLED to use me any way they want, against my will. I'm done hiding, and pretending nothing happened.
Because rape is rape. And something needs to change. It is too late to change what happened to me, but it is not too late to change that way I feel about it. I'm no longer scared, or ashamed. I am angry, and I am finally standing up for myself. #MeToo
