This is hard for me to write. I am not very forward about my struggles. However, in light of the timing of this article, I feel like it's important for me to write this. I have struggled all week with classwork, stress, making sure I get an article written and, on top of it all, mental health problems. So, as I heave a heavy sigh, here's my seven things that I, a woman who struggles with depression, want you to know:
1. I am not "just being lazy"
I really do want to do well in my classes. I don't want to fail out of college. That's actually one of my biggest fears. However, it's so hard to find motivation to do things, especially homework, when all I feel like doing is staying in bed and having a good cry. It's hard to find the motivation to get up and go to class. It's hard to find motivation to do homework or a project. I'm not lazy. If anything, I'm the opposite of lazy. I personally try twenty times harder to do as well in a class as someone who doesn't struggle with depression.
2. I don't always have a reason for why I feel like this
I can't explain why I feel like this. I just do. People often assume that there has to be a history, a story or a reason for why I am depressed. I don't have that. I don't have a reason. It's hard when people who know me ask why I'm feeling depressed or what's causing it. I don't know sometimes. I really don't.
3. Just because I have a good day doesn't mean that I no longer struggle
Just like anything else, there will be good days and there will be bad days. Just because I may be having a few good days (or look like it at least), doesn't mean that my depression has gone away. It's still very much there and it will make itself known very soon. You're just lucky you caught me on a good day.
4. Just because I look or act happy doesn't necessarily mean that I am
It's much easier to act happy or put on my "life is fine" face, rather than actually admitting that I'm struggling. It's easier for me to burden myself with the pain and suffering, instead of putting that burden on other people and being that 'debbie-downer' in the group.
5. I really want to enjoy life and my hobbies
This one is big for me. I desperately want to be genuinely happy and find joy in the things that I once prided myself in. I love being in choir and theater. I love writing. I do. It's just so hard to go to choir some days and smile and pretend I love being there when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. I loved writing my first article for Odyssey, but when depression comes in and decides to steal away every ounce of motivation and happiness, I am no longer able to write an article. I don't want to have to try so hard to love things. I want that genuine joy and happiness that these things used to bring me.
6. Getting help doesn't "fix" my depression
Counseling is a wonderful tool I use to help deal with my depression. Still, it doesn't "fix" me. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean that I am automatically going to jump back into the swing of things. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop being depressed. Seeking help means that I will still struggle. However, it also means I can talk to a professional who can help discern what I need to work on to better myself for the future.
7. This isn't just a phase in my life
I've struggled with depression for seven years. It's not just a phase that I'll eventually grow out of. It's something that's going to live with me forever. It's something I'll have to cope with for the rest of my life. It's not just me being a rebellious teen. This is a real issue that people take too lightly.
So there you have it: seven things that I want you all to know. If you are struggling or know someone who is, I urge you to reach out and seek help. It's the best thing that I have done for myself.
