How many times have you called someone out on being selfish? Were you saying it as a compliment? Probably not. If someone calls us selfish, we’re going to take offense to it, we see it as a negative comment, and we're likely to get defensive. Nobody wants to get that rep. Selfishness is known to be an undesirable trait, but it shouldn’t be.
What is the self?
The self is the most important part of how we define what a good or bad person is, or how we should or shouldn’t live our lives.
As defined by the dictionary:
Self /self/ noun.
Self is a person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.
As defined by psychology:
Self
The self plays an integral part in human motivation, cognition, affect, and social identity. All parts of the self enable people to alter, change, add, and modify aspects of themselves in order to gain social acceptance in society. The self comes into being at the interface between the inner biological processes of the human body and the sociocultural network to which the person belongs.
The Argument
We all have different personalities and traits that make us unique, but I’d argue that those who are well rounded are more likely to live happier lives. With knowledge, compassion, and understanding of all beings, including the self, a person is better equipped to coexist in society. A healthy self requires balance. Our main responsibility in our lives is to care for ourselves. We choose our own destinies and decide how we are going to live our lives to survive. (Charles Darwin anyone?) That means that we have to do what is best for both our minds and our bodies before anything or anyone else. In order to take care of and help others we must have a strong, stable sense of our self.
Types of selfishness include:
1. Malicious selfishness.
A person consciously makes a selfish decision to spite someone else, harming another being with intent, feeling no remorse whatsoever.
- This is the kind of selfishness that we typically associate the word selfish with. It is malice within selfish acts that are “bad.” This is where the negative connotation comes from, and this is the type of selfish that you don’t want to be.
- Ex: Little Johnny wants the toy that Susie is playing with, so he snatches it from her, snickering as Susie cries hysterically.
2. Instinctual selfishness.
A person consciously makes a decision that may seem selfless and benefit another being or group of beings, but subconsciously they are doing it for selfish reasons (i.e., it makes them feel good).
- This is the kind of selfishness often seen as selflessness, though it’s important to remind yourself that this is a selfish act. This will help the term attain a positive connotation. If you are doing right by others and also feeding your soul, you are being the good kind of selfish!
- Ex: Lauren travels to Bali, Indonesia as a volunteer to teach environmental science to students. She embraces all that the culture has to offer, enjoying the island's beautiful beaches on her breaks.
3. Remorseful selfishness.
A person consciously makes a selfish decision because they know it is necessary to do right by themselves first. They are aware that their decision may harm another being, but they feel bad about it and wish it didn’t have to be done.
- This is the kind of selfishness that is okay and encouraged. We are responsible for keeping ourselves well. Our happy and healthy minds and bodies are what will allow us to radiate positive energy towards others, ultimately doing right by all in the long run.
- Ex: Taylor realized she's fallen out of love with Jayson and needs some time for herself. It killed her to see him so upset when she broke things off, but she had to do it. If she chose to stay with him it would have made her unhappy, and her negative energy would spread to Jayson and everyone around her in the long run.
Do You
It's in our human nature to do things that will benefit ourselves in some way or another. Don't try to push it aside. Don't blame yourself for having to do what's right for you. As long as you're not being maliciously selfish, you need to be a little selfish! For the good of your self, for the good of others, please, do you.
