2016 is over!!!!! I cannot begin to explain the magnitude of how bad this past year has sucked. Please, someone tell me it was not just me that felt that way? 2016 was a year of growth though, it was a year where I lost people I loved, challenged myself to be better, and made countless bad decisions that gave me the best lessons possible. When I am old and gray I will tell my grandchildren of the year almost everyone died, and I learned that part of myself had to be buried with Carrie Fisher and Prince. I have to stop living for others.
In my 22 years of living I have always done one thing. I have done everything I could to be accepted by others, and I do not know where I got this notion that I HAVE to make others happy to be happy. I buy things for others, watch my words (which honestly I will still do because I need to learn to think before speaking), and do what they want me to do; basically, I was a spineless jellyfish. I will tell you and tell you over again--I let people control me for the sheer feeling of being accepted for the two seconds they love me, usually after I buy them food. My stupidity even OFFERS to purchase these things. Girl no. What are you thinking? I want the feeling of being loved and accepted. I want to know what it's like to be wanted. It is such a sad and overwhelming feeling to live day by day just not feeling wanted. Most the time, it's not true. Everyone has a group or a person that truly knows them and loves them. I do not think God destines people to be hated by all, I mean Donald Trump has people that love him? (Disclaimer: I do not do politics. I just know a lot of people don't like him) OH, see that?! It's me being a coward again.
OK. Honestly, I should not be hard on myself, and you should not either. If you are reading this and you feel alone, you are not. Lately, I have been afraid that people would be mad at me, I would be lonely, and overall, that no one would understand the pain that I was currently feeling. One thing I am not living for? Myself. I am not happy with Lauren. I do not even know who this stranger in the mirror is.
My goal for 2017 is to start loving and getting to know Lauren. I want to know who this stranger in the mirror really is. I want to love myself over anyone else (other than my son because that boy is my world). I cannot make anyone else happy, if I am miserable. So, 2017, let's make sure Lauren can become the real Lauren and all my readers can watch my journey to a better me. If I fail, I will get back up and try again. Let's start the self love journey. I can't wait to see what a year can bring.
