It all started with a death threat. I had been seeing the kind of guy that my parents would have locked me in a tower for. He didn't care about my physical or emotional safety, he disrespected me and constantly lied about everything. Despite all this and more, I had allowed him to wander in and out of my life for two and a half years. Then one night, after a particularly ruthless fight, he told me he would kill me. He went into detail, explaining that neither the police nor anyone else would be able to keep me safe. He talked about how he knew where I lived and knew who my friends were. After thoroughly researching restraining orders and spending hours crying alone, I came to the realization that I was the one who put myself in this situation. He was dangerous, careless and unstable; and rather than removing myself from the situation, I continued to let him into my life over and over again. This is when I decided I needed a change.
The Rules
From November until January:
No dating apps, no communication with guys from my past, and no pursuing relationships. Attention was to be focused on my best interest and self-discovery. This was in order to end 2015 on a good note and start 2016 with a clean slate, a slate where I valued who I am as a person. So here's what happened:
Phase One: Detox
The first few days were the hardest. I wanted to constantly check my phone to see who had texted or snapchatted me. I wanted attention and I didn't know where to turn. What was I supposed to do with myself now? Slowly, I started to reach for my phone less and less. It was amazing how much time out of my day freed up once I stopped scrolling and swiping and searching. How many guys had I wasted days of my life talking to, only to be dropped like trash as soon as they matched with someone prettier or more interesting than me? This craving for validation was a waste of my time, feelings and energy. The emphasis I had been placing on talking to someone who didn't even care about me was draining my vitality.
Phase Two: Physical Change
At this point in my life, I had been growing out my hair for five years after a particularly unfortunate haircut. I felt so ugly and unwanted with short hair because other girls had long, straight locks while mine could not be tamed. So in an act of rebellion towards this feeling, I chopped all my hair off. I cut off nine inches and donated it to a charity that makes wigs for children. Despite doing something good for others, the reaction I got from men was disgusting (Note: I was still accepting texts but not responding). One guy told me I "used to be hot before I did that." Another said that he "would never be with a girl who didn't have hair long enough to pull." Others were "worried" or told me I "should've just stayed the same." Keep in mind, I NEVER ASKED ANY OF THESE BOYS FOR THEIR OPINION! I didn't cut my hair for anyone else; I cut it for myself and for the little girl with cancer who now has red hair. I could not care less what anyone else thought of my decision.
Phase Three: Reflection
Because I had so much extra time on my hands without focusing on dating, I began to spend time reflecting on what had led me to this man-hiatus. There was the guy in rehab who was emotionally abusive, the guy who wanted to make all my decisions for me, the guy who would make plans and then sleep through them, and so many others who never deserved a chance but got one (or five) anyway. Why did I continue to make these mistakes? Was it really fair to blame my issues on my parents divorce? How would my life turn out if I didn't stop sabotaging my own happiness? The answers became clear.
Phase Four: Self-Love
Without a doubt, this was, and is, the most difficult phase of all. It is a never ending journey, with twists and turns and switchbacks and whatever else metaphorical hiking terms you want to use. Regaining my independence was the most liberating and rewarding outcome I could've hoped for. When I swore off men for a quarter of a year, I never imagined I could feel so confident, beautiful and at peace. The best part? No one needed to validate these feelings. The attention and devotion I was giving to myself was better than any lame pick up line or half-assed compliment any guy could ever give me. The next time you think about giving your love to someone who clearly doesn't deserve it, consider if that energy would be better served elsewhere. This is NOT an easy transformation to make, but it could be the most rewarding gift you ever give yourself.
It is important to note here that exactly three weeks after this man-hiatus ended I met the love of my life. Not through a dating app or dancing on a table, but in real life. Turns out he was literally right next door to me the whole time, but I was too busy wasting time with boys who didn't even deserve a second glance. I am now happier than I have ever been in my whole life, and it's because I decided to love myself first.
