TOP SECRET
To: Donald J. Trump
From: Hillary R. Clinton
Date: June 12, 2015
Subject: 2016 Presidential Race
Dear Donald,
Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me yesterday regarding our plans for the upcoming presidential election. I do hope that you have thought more about my proposal to have you run against me on the Republican side. As I mentioned yesterday, it would be a perfect way to have me win the presidency. These days, there is a considerable number of American voters, notably young Millennials who feel I do not deserve to be our nation’s leader. Those people want that ridiculous socialist, Bernie Sanders, to be the next president. Luckily, my good friend Debbie Wasserman is working hard to make sure that he gets nowhere in the Democratic primaries.
After he loses, that’s where you come in. I know that you will win the Republican primaries and clinch the nomination; then you can be as inflammatory and rude as you like, as that will cause your unfavorable ratings to go sky high and create an opportunity for me to swoop in and take the presidency.
Now, I understand that you’re balking at my brilliant idea; but bear in mind that I will take care of you if you choose to cooperate. As president, I’ll give you unlimited access to inside information that will help you in your businesses. If you desire a fee for your services to my campaign, name the amount and you shall have it. We could even talk about giving you a place in New York’s state government, if you like. But I implore you to think long and hard about this. You do not want me as your enemy; I can make your life perfect and I can destroy it too. Many people have said that I am willing to kill to achieve my ends. Donald, you might very well find out that they are right.
Anyhow, if you decide to play along, you should call a press conference and announce your bid soon. The media and I will mock you and refuse to take it seriously. But make sure that you are as offensive and idiotic as possible in your speeches, as that will give me the opportunity to sound much smarter, pragmatic and capable than I am. On that note, I am thinking about announcing that I am one-twelfth Cherokee and one-tenth Hispanic to diversify my ethnicity. So, be on the lookout for that.
If you are looking for ways to alienate voters, here are some ideas. Make sure to go after Muslims and Hispanics and say that they are all terrorists and rapists. I will counter by sticking up for them in my speeches and overall platform. Also, your campaign slogan should be something that makes hardly any sense and sounds Fascist like “Make America Great Again.” Lastly, you might want to think about insulting the press by saying that they are the lowest form of humanity, or something to that end. Then people will view you as someone who would like to turn America into a totalitarian dictatorship, which means more votes and endorsements for me.
I look forward to working with you in the future. I also hope that you are ready to be eviscerated in this race. But I will take care of you after it’s all over.
I remain yours sincerely,
Hillary Rodham Clinton
