I don’t exactly know when I started to change, or even what particular life event drastically affected me enough to take on a whole new persona. I just know that I changed. I regularly look back on my past and question all the things I have done wrong. I am afraid of uncertainty and the future because I don’t know if I am strong enough to get through the obstacles that lie ahead. I have stayed in the past because I know how to survive there; I know how to live there. The past is comfortable, but it is becoming more and more unfamiliar. You see, when we stay in our pasts for too long, we lose our identities and we become paralyzed by time. One day you wake up and realize that the past is too far gone, and the person you were then is not the person you are today. You wake up and stare into the mirror at this unrecognizable reflection that moved on, but didn’t realize she had.

Growing up, I was always very sensitive. I kept my heart on my sleeve. Growing up, I loved quickly and trusted people way too easily. This combination of characteristics causes a lot of insecurity, a lot of unrealistic expectations, and a lot of heartache -- a lot of heartache. I have always said my biggest strength is that I know how to love people, but it is also my biggest weakness. You see, because of these characteristics, I hold on to anyone who has ever loved or cared about me, even if they don’t anymore. When we love people, it is hard for anyone to let go, but for me it is almost impossible. I would rather be hurt over and over again than move on from someone who used to mean the world to me. We become so entangled in the webs of trying to hold on to others who don’t want us that we begin to compromise who we are. We stay in the past of these relationships, and we tell ourselves if we just do something different, if we just become different, then we will be enough. I didn’t know how to let go, so I subconsciously decided to change. Eventually, I lost myself in the midst of trying to be someone else.

I am not the same person I was. I am not shy, vulnerable, or innocent; I am not the girl I fell in love with. I miss her, the girl I used to be. I miss her gentle smile and her bright-blue eyes that sparkled with excitement over the simplest of things. I miss believing that I could do anything and everything, that I was invincible. I miss believing in true love and that fairytales do come true. I miss the determination I had to be more than just ordinary. I miss the days when my faith was concrete and I never questioned God’s love for me. I miss you, the girl that believed she could, so she did. I don’t know where you are and I don’t know how to find you, but I do know I must let go.

I must let go: of the past, the certainty, and the people who walked away. I must believe I am more than my past mistakes. I must believe I am worthy of love and that I am good enough for others. I put up walls because I am afraid to be hurt again; I destroy myself so no one else can. I held on to the failure, betrayal, manipulation, and guilt and let them define who I was. I lost the girl I used to be because I believed I was unworthy of being her. She is telling me she wants to be her old self again, that she is tired of the self-hatred and the feelings inadequacy. She is telling me I am beautiful, loved, and worth far more than what the world has told me.

But I am stuck. I can't but believe what she is telling me is an outdated and obsolete truth that I will never be able to accept.