In the past few months I have felt like a wonderer. I struggled to find what I wanted in life, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be, only to find myself lost in a collection of abstract ideas that I had to call life. A massive mess, that began to really hurt me and made it harder for me to be content with myself. I struggle with the image of myself, I always have... A fact I have yet to share with most people in my life, even my mother, until recently. Something that seems so cliche I know, but before you think "just another teenage girl making her life worse than it is" know this: My problems with my self-worth and image can be perceived how ever you would like but for me this is a hole in my life that is never ending and I find myself trying to hold onto the edge very often. This hole is dark, and it hurts. When I fall in I doubt myself and question who I am, and it is a long climb back up. I struggle to even write this because it hurts to talk about it, and there is the slight fear that people will look at me different... But understanding my hurt is all apart of a process.
Everyone struggles, everyone feels some kind of pain in their lifetime. A pain that for some can be greater than others, pain that damages, stings, dissolves relationships, breaks apart families, causes destruction, and maybe or maybe a pain like mine, one that is silent yet massive. Through these pains everyone has a way of trying to suppress their hurt and suffering. We fill our lives with things, irrelevant, petty, stupid stuff, that just clutters our lives more. We crave fulfillment from these things, people, relationships, whatever you can think of, to satisfy the missing pieces of our hearts. Throughout my time suffering I have found myself looking for earthly suppressants, dirt to fill my hole or a ladder to help me climb out. Putting my time in paThings I felt I could find here on earth, and yeah I found temporary happiness in myself through these things, but I always wanted more.
I have always been a believer in Christ, and I know this will be the end of some people reading this article, but oh well. This is not for just Christians it is for any religion because I am sure they would teach the same things. But my Faith is found in one God, and that is who I will write about, just from personal experience.
Christ is the foundation of my life, but sometimes I find myself doubting how strong my foundation is. I try and prove to myself that I can control my life and fulfill myself. But here is the news flash: we can't, I can't, you can't, no one can but God. He created us to be alive in Him, to walk in His light, and to simply be of Him. When we turn the chair in our one on one meeting with God, we turn our backs on him, and forget that he is their to fight for us and to take on our pain. After all, he sent his only son to be nailed cross and bare a crown of thorns for our sake, taking with him the weight on our lives as well. I have really tried to find my strength in Him but couldn't find the strength to stay there all the time. It came to me a couple of weeks ago as I started to dive back into the word more than usual, which lead to a chain of events that were constant reminders for how loved I was. I listened to the sweet sound of local worship, a reminder that "God whispers because he is close", and my favorite the story of Jehosephat. A story in 2 Chronicles 20, that reminds us when we trust and make our lives constant in the Lord he will fight our battles for us, all we have to do is be still and have faith.
This is the strength I needed.
The push I found to help me decide "this is it God, I am here ready to be constant" which has lead me to already find my hole getting smaller and smaller. God has helped me to realize my worth is not in the materialistic things of this world, they are in him. He has started me on a path of light, a path specific for me and my relationship with Him. I have come to him seeking a relationship and guidance and he has delivered. He is taking my battle one step at a time, and when you find your fulfillment in Him and nothing else, you will find Him helping you too.
Today I woke up and went to the gym but did I do this for anyone else but me? No, because I am strong in myself and my relationship with someone much greater than I can ever be.
Then the Spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph, in the midst of the assembly. And he said, “Listen, all you of Judah and you inhabitants of Jerusalem, and you, King Jehoshaphat! Thus says the Lord to you: ‘Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. Tomorrow go down against them. They will surely come up by the Ascent of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the brook before the Wilderness of Jeruel. You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with you, O Judah and Jerusalem!" Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the Lord is with you.
2 Chronicles 20:14-17