Astronaut Scott Kelly has returned to Earth after spending a year in space aboard the International Space Station. Well Scott, a lot has happened on our lonely blue and green dot while you were looking over us from above, and if I were you, I might have reconsidered coming back home. The world is a different place than when you left it. Is it a better one? I don’t know. Mr. Kelly, here is how the world is different from the one you left a year ago.
Bruce Jenner Is Now Caitlyn Jenner.
While you were up in the International Space Station former Olympic Gold medalist and the only sane person related to the Kardashians, Bruce Jenner, announced he identifies as a woman and he became Caitlyn Jenner. Is it strange? No not really. His one-on-one interview when he made the announcement was must-see TV even. What really has come of it is that Caitlyn Jenner dresses the same as her daughters.
Image credit: Vanity Fair
Alabama Won Another National Title.
In the least shocking news you will hear, Alabama and Coach Nick Saban won another national football title. The team was as strong as any previous Alabama team and its defense, led by their front seven, dominated and tormented the SEC. Some things will never change while you are in space.
image credit: Getty Images
Donald Trump Is Running For President (And Doing Quite Well).
Donald Trump, Yes that Donald Trump, is running for president. He is currently the front runner for the Republicans. How is he doing it? Well he has offended everyone from Mexico to the Middle East and he claims he is packing a pretty big “space shuttle” because he has normal-sized hands. Anyway, Trump is pissing off a lot of people, but he is also making a lot of people talk, which I guess is a good thing.
image credit: Getty Images
Every Presidential Candidate Is The Crazy Reality TV Show.
The Republicans are going crazy. Trump is attacking everyone, he even made a Bush quit. He even bought Jebbush.com. But the rest of candidates are just as crazy. Bernie Sanders is promising everything for free. Hillary Clinton barked at a campaign rally. Ted Cruz is apparently the zodiac killer. Marco Rubio is doing something, and Ben Carson wants someone to make him relevant. Anyway, this is probably the most entertaining election in a long time. But should election season be entertaining? The fate of the country is at stake and CNN and Fox News are having a field day with ratings. This election is going to be crazy, and if I were you I would have stayed on the ISS instead.
image credit: ABC News
The University Of Missouri Has Gone In The Toilet.
Because of racial issues on campus, the University of Missouri president had to resign. Communication Professor Melissa Click was seen yelling at journalists, #safespace and black lives matter protests are overrunning the campus. Basically, Missouri has become a laughing stock and the initial momentum that the protests gained has quickly gone away. Did I mention Head Coach Gary Pinkel retired as well? Yeah, a lot is going on in Columbia and there seems to be no end in sight.
Image: NBC News
North Korea Is Insane
North Korea, a model country, thinks the whole world is about to attack them. Nothing related to that has changed, but now North Korea has nuclear weapons and is threatening to use them any moment. That is a scary thought. Scott, the safest place might have been on the ISS, I would have stayed there longer.
image: BBC
Police Tensions are on High Alert
Because of incidents of police brutality, tensions with police are similar to the early 1990s. Baltimore and Ferguson had major protests and riots over the incidents. The question of police brutality has become a national topic. Didn’t life seem easier when you were floating in space, Scott?
image: AP
Facebook is Full of Puppy Videos and Quick Food Recipes.
Since you left for space, the content on your Facebook timeline has greatly changed. First off, everyone and their mother claims to be an expert on politics, but also thanks to Buzzfeed and Tasty, quick 15-second videos have become extremely popular. Which is good, America can continue to be fat. Videos of puppies doing puppy things are also all over the web. At least we have something good going for us.
Image: Buzzfeed
Leo Finally Got His Oscar
It finally happened. Our national struggle is over. There are good signs for the future. Leonardo DiCaprio finally won his Oscar, for "The Revenant," a movie where he got attacked by a bear. The rest of the Oscars were filled with a combination of race-related issues, Girl Scout cookies, and Mad Max winning every award. But none of that matters, Leo got his Oscar. The only bad thing that came of it was that we will never get to see the look of disappointment on his face when he loses.
image: Telegraph UK
So Scott, a lot happened and if you ask me, I would have just stayed in space. Now Scott enjoy your time on Earth, because you might want to head to Mars pretty soon in order to get away from the hell hole that Planet Earth is becoming.
