When I began therapy, I was convinced I was narcissistic. It was one of the first things that came out of my mouth. I was crying and I blurted out “I’m a narcissist.” My counselor laughed. She didn’t dispute, didn’t explain to me why she found it hysterical that I had categorized myself as a narcissist, no, she simply laughed. I later understood her humor, as a narcissist would never reach out for help or define themselves as narcissist. A narcissist truly believes they are the ultimate victim and the consequences of their lives have nothing to do with them.
The realization that I had narcissistic tendencies due to being raised by a narcissist was hard. I had to honestly evaluate my perception of my family. I had to come to the realization that no matter how I tried to explain to them what they are doing, they will never see the true results of their actions. Knowing that I will never find a way to gain empathy and compassion hurts and makes me angry. I want them to see the damage that was done and take responsibility. Even if an apology is not presented, someone who hurts others should be held accountable . Accepting that if I take the time to explain, I’ll be hurt even more because the excuses and blame on my (or another party’s) participation (or lack thereof) will be the reasoning for their behavior.
Manipulation and guilt is something I was exposed to at an early age as a way of obtaining what you desire or require. Growing up, members of my family unapologetically used each other and others to get what they wanted. Considering other people’s feelings or thinking about consequences of those around never entered the equation. Outrageous acts were justified by the failing of others or simply dismissed by them saying “sorry.”
Deciding to end a relationship with anyone is hard, much less when the person has been a constant in your life since childhood. Cutting ties with a family member seems to increase the difficulty level. Choosing to stand on your own can seem scarier than facing the fact that people who truly love you would do anything to keep from hurting you. Being raised in an environment where a caregiver displays narcissistic tendencies provides a false sense of reality and creates victims.
One of the downsides of growing up in this environment is the effect on the self-esteem of those who don’t have any exposure to a home environment without the narcissist. So often people who grow up in these environments tend to repeat the pattern and manipulate and use guilt in their relationships. Looking back over the relationships of my past, it is embarrassingly obvious how many of the tactics and strategies carried over from my childhood.
Therapy helps and provides stepping stones to overcoming the thought processes that were ingrained during my youth. Walking away from a parent who is a narcissist is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. So many times I’ve reached for my phone, wanting to explain what I’ve learned and yearning to reconnect to fill the void that was left. The reminder that no responsibility will be taken helps me to fight the urge and not make the contact. I watch other family members manipulate and guilt those around them and have learned that it’s not up to me to help them realize the long-term effect of their actions.
I’ve learned it takes guts to mean what you say and not justify anything with excuses. I’ve learned if you want something, you work hard and do what it takes to earn it. Learning to be honest, even when it’s not pretty, is a lot harder for some reason than manipulation. The reward comes with the pride of accomplishing something hard. Standing up for what you believe in and having the courage to stand up for yourself can be lonely, but when I close my eyes at the end of each day - there’s peace in my heart. Peace is something that until this point in my life has been absent.
For the first time in my life, I’m looking forward to the future. I no longer spend my time focused on manipulating situations to get what I want; I spend my time working hard to achieve success. I hold myself accountable for my actions and apologize when I screw up. I don’t blame others for my lack and work hard to ensure failure does not happen. I understand that successful people do not become successful by accident or luck. I own who I am and where I am. I dream of what I’ll become and where’ I’ll go. The place I am is defined by where I’ve been, but I’ve decided I get to choose where I go and am willing to do the work to get there.
