I admitted to a room of almost strangers that I was into girls before I even really admitted it to myself. We were talking, and my mouth said, “Yeah, I’m into girls,” before my brain could register what it was saying. And when questioned, my brain responded, “Yes,” and then told my mouth to do the same. I had never admitted it out loud to anyone, or even to myself before, yet here I was with some people I was kind of friends with confirming my sexuality.

Since starting puberty, I’ve dealt with the rumor that I was a lesbian. It started for a few reasons. One was that every other girl had a boyfriend, and I didn’t. I was the one girl in eighth grade who didn’t have a boy to hold hands in the hallway with and to sit with at lunch and never see outside of school — you know, a classic “middle school boyfriend.” And it wasn’t that I didn’t like boys, it was because I did like boys, one boy in particular. I had a huge crush on this one boy that started in fifth grade and lasted until eighth grade because he wouldn’t give me the time of day, and I understand why. I was a bit chunky, tall, loud and very confident. Most girls in eighth grade are not overtly confident, but I was. I used it to mask my crippling insecurity and eventually, it did turn into actual confidence, but that is beside the point. So, of course, boys didn’t try to date me, I was intimidating! Even if they did like me, they would never admit it.

I also was labeled a lesbian because I have always thought that girls are gorgeous. I think females are goddesses among men and that they are beautiful, their bodies are miracles, and that we are mysterious, amazing creatures. But, in middle school, most girls don’t share that thought process. Most eighth grade girls can barely look at their own bodies without feeling disgust, let alone their peers. So, of course, my peers took my compliments as flirting.

And thirdly, a boy told everyone I was a lesbian, and the reason why may surprise you. He didn’t start this rumor because of my aforementioned reasons, but because he had a crush on me and didn’t want other boys to talk to me. And it worked. He was an eighth-grade genius. (But it didn’t last — he’s currently 19 and engaged to a girl he’s known for a year.)

So, I grew up battling this rumor that I was a lesbian. I fought it so stubbornly because it was hindering my chances of dating boys whom I had crushes on, not because there is anything wrong with being a lesbian, I just wasn’t one.

My family thought I might have been a lesbian too because of my lack of boyfriends, my fascination with how awesome girls are, and because my grandma is a lesbian, and they thought maybe I took after her.

Eventually, I came into my own, dated a few boys and played along with my family saying that I was into girls, because why not? Girls are hot! I could admit that easily. But it wasn’t until college that I began to see that maybe I was wrong.

I entered college with a serious boyfriend, but occasionally, I would think about kissing girls. And I did kiss a lot of girls in college, but only when I was drunk. And I had this inner battle of, “Am I bisexual?” And I also answered, no, because how could I know if I had never dated a girl? But that’s silly. Most people know they’re straight or gay before they even begin dating anyone. So why was I being so stubborn with having a “straight” label?

The other day, my family and I were sitting on the couch in our living room watching the Tony Awards. My two younger brothers and I started talking about marriage, about who was going to have the best kids, and who was going to get fat — you know, the usual stuff. My one brother was talking about how he and his future wife were going to have nerdy kids and how me and my “future lover” would have more athletic, disciplined children. I asked, “Why do you get a wife and I only get a lover?” And he replied, “Because I don’t know if you’re going to end up with a man or a woman. But either way, you’re kids are going to kick my kid’s asses!”

He wasn’t making fun of me or trying to get a rise out of me, he was just being honest. My brother is recognizing my blossoming bisexuality before my parents and friends are, and I have never loved him more. And I’m afraid to tell people. I don’t think it will change how anyone really thinks of me, but I’m afraid my female friends may begin to feel uncomfortable around me or that guys will no longer be interested in me. And I know those are stupid, shallow things to say, but they are my true feelings. I’m also nervous that my LGBT friends will not believe me because I’ve never dated a woman. Bisexuality feels like walking a tightrope, a fine, fine line. It feels like everyone is bi nowadays (and why shouldn’t they be, have you seen guys? Have you seen girls? Damn!) A lot of people see bisexuality as a “fad” for that reason. It’s hard to come to terms with your own sexuality when the world has so many opinions on it. At the

moment, I am more into boys than I am into girls, and that's OK because I believe that sexuality is a spectrum, and I'm just beginning to come into my own. I just want to kiss beautiful people, and there is nothing wrong with that.