I say that my anxiety is better, but it isn't. I keep telling myself that I'm in a well-off position compared to how I used to be, yet I still find myself getting lost in my thoughts. My mind is like a hamster wheel, and it never stops. Thoughts run through my mind like traffic. Even when I'm my happiest, I second guess myself because it feels like I should be worrying about something. Sure the medication helps - the panic attacks have subsided - but there's still a hint of sadness.

What is awful about the whole thing is the fact that I cannot control it. People tell me, "take a deep breath," "don't stress out too much," or "everyone gets anxiety." It frustrates me because it's not that simple. No matter how hard I physically try, the gears in my brain never cease. I know I'm in a better place because I am alive, I am well. My eating disorder is under control, my grades are stellar, and people are starting to treat me like a human. The clock still ticks and strikes at any moment.

I cannot describe what anxiety is in one word or one sentence. It's impossible because it's indescribable. It's a pit in your stomach; a lump in your throat. It's blood-shot eyes and being breathless. It's an out-of-body experience - I am a ghost trying to return to its shell. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. Sometimes there's no cause, just being paralyzed. Sometimes it's over the littlest things, like an exam or an in-class presentation.

My first car accident happened a couple weeks ago. The car wasn't totaled, and no one was injured, but it felt like the world was ending. The wait for the police to report the incident felt like an eternity. Tears started pouring out of my eyes like a waterfall. My words became jumbled together and they couldn't come out. Reassurance was given, and the demons kept whispering in my ears. It felt as if it took an entire day, but it was only hours.

Some days are worse than others, but I'm more than my anxiety. If I fall apart, I can always come back together. I'm broken, but I won't stay broken. You can't exist without good and bad times. I'm only 18, so there's a whole lot of life ahead of me. I'm not where I want to be mentally, but I've made significant progress since five years ago.

Anxiety is my biggest flaw; my biggest insecurity. There have been so many times when I didn't do something because my anxiety held me back. I'm not going to let anxiety control my life. I'm going to use the energy that was used worrying and spend it on positive thoughts. You can only grow.

That is why I'm going to continue to smile throughout the bad times. I'm going to plant my own flowers and water my own grass instead of being jealous of others' "more beautiful" gardens. I will continue to tell myself that I am enough. I am worthy. The words I speak and the actions I do will be out of love.

As a quote that I heard once said, "She wasn't looking for a prince, she was finding herself a sword." I'm the one who can control my happiness and save myself. I'm the one to look out for my well-being. I'm not proud of my past adversities, but I can learn from them. I can bloom into the being I truly am without others.

I say that my anxiety is better; it isn't, but I'm okay with it.