It has been a crazy year for American Politics. I feel it is only right to end out the year by taking a moment to look back at how the year started and put some humor to it. Although to be honest, I did not really have to try too hard in order to make this satire, the election candidates did that plenty on their own.

Please note that the lack of actual policy discussion is intended to show how this election is not about policy at all.

This is in no way an opinion piece as it is simply made as a satire to the election itself, which in all honesty does not require much work to turn into a satire.

Characters

Hillary Clinton - Hillary Clinton

Birdy Ben - President of the Hillary Clinton Fan Club

Reference to the possibility of Hillary Clinton being the first President “Jailbird” and Benghazi.

Bernie Sanders - Bernie Sanders

John Lenin - President of the Bernie Sanders Fan Club

Reference to Vladimir Lenin, one of the world’s most prominent socialist leaders

Marco Rubio - Marco Rubio

Candace Fowler - President of the Marco Rubio Fan Club

Reference to Canada who is a leader but often thought of as more of a follower than a leader.

Ted Cruz - Ted Cruz

Stephen Avery - President of the Ted Cruz Fan Club

Reference to Making a Murderer and the public associating Ted Cruz with the Zodiac Killer.

Donald Trump - Donald Trump

Adolf Smith - President of the Donald Trump Fan Club

Reference to Adolf Hitler and a typical white surname regarding the idea that Donald Trump is racist.

John Kasich - John Kasich

Sarah Jane - President of the John Kasich Fan Club

Reference to ‘Plain Jane’ and a common everyday name that no one pays extra notice to.

Scene 1

Birdy Ben, John Lenin, Candace Fowler, Stephen Avery, and Adolf Smith each show up 101 feet away from a polling place in Jacksonville, Florida.

Stephen Avery looks up momentarily from his laptop at Candace Fowler: Hey Candace, did you hear that Marco Rubio dropped out of the race?

Candace Fowler turns confused and defiantly exclaims: No, he would not drop out! The Republican Party has put their full support behind him!

Stephen Avery: You may want to check your email. Stephen smirks and shuts his laptop.

Adolf Smith, wagging his finger at Stephen: You are nothing but a cheat Stephen! You are a disgrace to America and will be the first deported when we make America great again.

John Lenin: You really should give your laptop to the 20-year-old who dropped out of school and refuses to get a job, because he cannot afford such luxuries and it is unfair for you to have it when he cannot.

Adolf Smith: Why doesn’t he just throw it at the kid and hope it knocks some common sense into him? Make America Great Again!

Birdy: Did someone say kids? You know, that reminds me of how Hillary Clinton will be the first President who can bear children! That should bring some much-needed attention to mothers locked up in prison.

John Lenin: When Bernie is elected, the extra money the rich will be paying can be spent on mothers in jail!

Bill Clinton turns the corner and starts walking past the fan club presidents on his way into the polling place. They all stop what they are doing and look at him with a mix of amazement and horror, except for Birdy.

Birdy Ben: It is an honor, President Clinton, to be standing in your presence. What are you doing here?

Bill Clinton: I am just on my way out from meeting an old friend at that school right over there.

Adolf Smith: But it is illegal to campaign within 100ft of a polling place!

Bill Clinton: I was not campaigning I was simply meeting with an old friend, taking pictures with constituents and supporting a bake sale!

John Lenin: Your name and face alone stand as a campaign for Hillary! You should not have been in there!

Bill Clinton: I am the former President of the United States of America and I can go anywhere I want anytime I want!

Candace Fowler snickering under her breath: And clearly with whoever you want.

Bill Clinton walks away towards the school before anyone can stop him. Adolf Smith is the first to notice him walking away.

Adolf Smith starting after Bill with his fists in the air:Oh I will teach that man a lesson if it’s the last thing I do. Make America Great Again!

Stephen Avery: Then you would lose the evangelical vote for Trump! Oh, that's right, he never had it! Ted Cruz did!

Candace Fowler: Oh and where are those evangelical votes now?

Adolf Smith doubles back as he realizes he will have much more fun verbally tearing apart people than he would in jail for attacking a former president.

Birdy Ben: Wise choice coming back Adolf, you would not want to rot in jail! Jail is for criminals!

John Lenin: Yes! Criminals like Hillary! I will make sure to send her a thank you card after I win the race because she is in prison.

Stephen Avery firing up his laptop: Can you guys please speak a little quieter, I am trying to write emails here.

John Lenin: Didn’t I tell you to give that fancy thing to that poor 20-year-old? You are exactly what is wrong with America.

The Scene fades out with The Fan Club Presidents arguing again about the laptop and the well-being of America.

Scene 2

Across town, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Donald Trump are all standing 101 feet away from a different polling place in Jacksonville, Florida.

Ted Cruz, screaming towards passersby on their way in to vote:Congress says the sky is blue! I say the sky is green! Hate Congress and vote for me!

Marco Rubio: You see, this is why the Republican Party is supporting me instead of you. Turning to see a small group of people walking towards them on their way to the polling location. Vote for me because the Republican Party wants me to be president! No, no you do not need to see my credentials or hear about my plans. The Republican Party is backing me and that should be enough!

Bernie Sanders longingly looking off into the distance: I wish the socialist party was one of the two major political parties in American government. Then I would not have to work so hard at trying to make all of my policies seem democratic. Feel the Bern!

Hillary Clinton: Oh boys, don’t you wish you were a woman like me so you could give women a false sense of empowerment when they vote for me, the first Female President? Smugly laughing to herself.

Donald Trump: Yes, please empower women to be more stupid every day like you. Ugly idiot. Make America Great Again! Pumping his fist in the air.

Marco Rubio: You cannot just keep attacking people and calling them ugly, even if it is true.

Bernie Sanders: When I am president there will no longer be “pretty” or “ugly”. Everyone will simply be “average.” It is so much nicer that way! Socialism rocks!

Ted Cruz: I bet Hillary isn’t even a woman!

Bill Clinton walks by as Ted Cruz speaks and stops whispering in his ear:Maybe not but Monica certainly was.

Hillary Clinton noticing her husband for the first time:Bill! What are you doing here, my dear?

Donald Trump: Wow, Bill! Such a disgrace to meet you! Thanks for taking part in making America awful so I can Make America Great Again!

Bill Clinton: I am just on my way to meet up with a dear friend of mine and to support the local bake sale I hear is going on in that school’s gymnasium over there! Pointing innocently at the school that was acting as the areas designated polling place, ignoring Trump.

Bernie Sanders: You cannot go in there! That is campaigning and you cannot campaign within 100 feet of a polling place let alone inside the polling place! You are destroying my chances of being elected!

Donald Trump: First you want to take away the 2nd Amendment and now you want to take away Free Speech from the 1st? Why don’t you just make the American flag feel the Bern! Make America Great Again!

Bill Clinton: Exactly! I am not campaigning if I do not even mention my wife’s name. I do not plan on talking about this election at all! It is kind of a joke if you ask me, there was a time in the 90’s when the American people elected people who would not make a mockery out of the system or country!

Marco Rubio: Yes, because you were the picture perfect image of what America should strive to be.

Hillary Clinton, agitated and ready to defend her husband: My husband loves me and this country. He knows what is best for it.

Donald Trump turning his attention towards Ted Cruz:Why Ted, you have been awfully quiet over there. Have you run out of lies to tell? Make America Great Again!

Marco Rubio: No, he is just upset that the Republican Party is supporting me.

Bernie Sanders: He should have followed my advice and switched parties whenever it would suit him best.

Donald Trump: That is what I plan to do if I do not win the republican nomination! I will run as an independent and Make America Great Again!

Bernie Sanders: Backwards Copycat.

Bill Clinton, who had been waiting for the moment when the candidates would turn their attention to attacking one another again instead of him, quietly starting walking towards the school. Each of the candidates’ phones buzzes with breaking news.

Donald Trump: Hey Ted, maybe you should run after Bill and ask for some advice on how to deal with these affair allegations. Make America Great Again! Putting extra emphasis on “allegations” and using air quotes before pumping his fist.

Hillary Clinton placing her hand over her heart and shaking her head: His poor wife. I cannot imagine how I would feel if Bill ever cheated on me.

Marco Rubio: So much for the great American Family man. It really is not surprising that the Republican party is supporting me, the real family man.

Bernie Sanders: Ooooo, feel the Bern, Cruz! Feel the Bern! Then leaning over and muttering in his ear, Seriously though man, I could really use your vote.

Ted Cruz: I blame Trump for all of this. I blame Trump for every problem we have in America! Oh and Congress! Gosh, I hate Congress! If Trump becomes president I am moving to Canada!

Donald Trump trying very hard to hold back his laughter: Well it should be an easy move for you since that is where you were born. I would ask you for a tour around the next time I am there, but I am sure I would get better information out of a maple leaf.

At this point it is after 8 o’clock and the polls have closed but the candidates barely notice as they are too busy fighting and trying to destroy the reputations of one another to notice. Out of nowhere, John Kasich walks up.

Donald Trump surprised but honored: John! What are you doing here? Did you come to offer me congratulations and tell me you are dropping out of the race and sponsoring me?

Ted Cruz: Check your email.

Once again each candidate pulls out their phones and looks at their emails. The latest news coming from the Ted Cruz SuperPAC includes the explanation that Marco Rubio is dropping out of the race.

Marco Rubio: For once, Ted Cruz is not lying. I still hate you all, though. Walking away regretfully.

Ted Cruz: I knew one of those emails would eventually be telling the truth!

John Kasich excitedly looking around at the remaining candidates like a puppy about to go on a walk:So y’all, what do we do now?