Disclaimer: I will definitely be making fun of the democratic candidates during their first debate as well. Bring it, Hillary.
5 P.M.: The Bottom Seven Candidates (AKA the JV Team or the Kid’s Table)
Featuring: Rick Perry, the guy who hates debates but loves Texas; Rick Santorum, who hates gay rights but loves freedom; Bobby Jindal, who hates Planned Parenthood; Carly Fiorina, the sole woman who can supposedly attack Hillary Clinton without sounding sexist; George Pataki, whose resume is essentially “I was governor of New York during 9/11;” Jim Gilmore, who’s only been in the race for, like, 45 minutes; and Lindsey Graham, who’s a senator, I guess?
1. I honestly cannot believe there are 17 republican candidates.
2. I love Fiorina’s pink power suit though. Work it, girl.
3. Wait, Fiorina compared herself to Margaret Thatcher?
4. And there’s her first mention of Hillary Clinton.
5. I honestly forgot that some men are named “Lindsey.”
6. Hillary sure is getting a lot of shout-outs tonight.
7. All politicians hate other people who are politicians, obsessed with politics. They’re so dirty.
8. “Do we need new blood?” Every old, white, washed-up man on stage: “Yeah, and that’s me, exactly.”
9. Now they’re talking about Donald Trump. I swear I will not make fun of his hair until he’s actually debating.
10. Did they just unironically say that Trump has “Reagan-like qualities?”
11. “Homegrown terrorists” apparently don’t include Christian mass-shooters.
12. No one on either stage tonight has ever done as much as Governor Perry has during his time in Texas. Ever.
13. Second commercial break. Debate so far: Trump, Islam, and nothing else.
14. I need to do a better job at commenting on all the candidates
15. I wish I was as funny as half the people in the #JVdebate tag on Twitter.
16. To paraphrase Graham, “ISIL isn’t the JV team; we are.”
17. I’ve completely lost track of what question he’s supposed to be answering. So did he, I think.
18. Jindal respects Bernie Sanders because he’s “honest about being a socialist.” #FeeltheBern
19. Jindal also failing to answer the actual question. No wonder this is the JV team.
20. Pataki also failing to answer the question. We’re 0 for 3 people!
21. Is the blonde moderator supposed to be an off-brand Megyn Kelly?
22. Drinking game idea: take a shot every time Trump, Clinton, or President Obama is mentioned. Get totally wasted in 60 seconds or less!
23. I can’t take Perry’s fake-hipster glasses seriously.
24. Is Santorum going to start crying when he’s talking about the legalization of same-sex marriage??? I’m not even joking, he definitely looks a little teary-eyed.
25. Gilmore was asked about using litmus tests for abortion, decides to talk about ISIS and Iran instead. Even Santorum looks hella confused regarding his discussion of “this ISIL thing.”
26. Pataki is pro-choice? Pro-choice republicans are a thing that exist?
27. Apparently #happyhourdebate is also trending on Twitter.
28. Jindal seems to think that President Hillary Clinton is inevitable.
29. “Defunding Planned Parenthood isn’t a war on women. Want to see a war on women? Come with me to Iraq and Iran. I’ve been there 35 times.” Holy hell, Linds.
30. Annnnd that was his transition to talk about the Middle East more. We get it, you’re a hawk.
31. So are they going to ask the only woman GOP candidate about women’s health or…?
32. I guess not. :(
33. Perry’s smirk kind of makes me want to vomit.
34. Everyone here wants to be Ronald Reagan so badly.
35. “What two words would you use to describe [Hillary Clinton]?” Is this a real question?
36. Apparently no one on JV can count to two. Your job was so easy and yet…
37. Santorum: “Democrats only care about votes!.” Fair point, but the same is definitely true for Republicans as well. That’s why y’all are politicians.
38. “Hillary is terrible but still leading her party’s polls.” I hate to break it to you, Fiorina, but you’re all losing to Donald effing Trump.
39. St. Ronald Reagan has been invoked more often here today than the Holy Spirit during a Catholic mass.
40. “We’d like to thank all seven of you for being here today.” Are they talking to the candidates or the people in the audience?
41. Closing thoughts: No one, including me, won that debate. Especially me.
8:50 P.M.: The Top Ten Candidates (AKA the Varsity Team or the Big Boys, Emphasis on Boys)
Featuring: Donald Trump, the cartoon character who is inexplicably the highest polling Republican candidate; Jeb Bush, the family legacy; Scott Walker, the governor without a college degree; Marco Rubio, the youngster; Rand Paul, with the Libertarian dad, Ron; Ted Cruz, who either looks like Grandpa Munster or Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec; Mike Huckabee, the Baptist Minister; Ben Carson, the doctor with no political experience; Chris Christie, the Notre Dame dad with the bridge thing; and John Kasich, who used to be a commentator on Fox News but thankfully isn’t Bill O’Reilly.
42. Bill O’Reilly is on right before the varsity team takes the stage. I hope he never runs for president; all he would do is talk over whoever was speaking with him and compare people to Nazis.
43. I’m going to limit myself to just one joke about Trump’s hair: I would vote for any cat participating in #TrumpYourCat before I would ever vote for Donald Trump.
44. Congrats to Fiorina, who apparently has been voted the winner of the JV debate by a metric butt-ton.
45. What would happen if Jeb Bush won the nomination and chose his brother for VP? Oh my God.
46. Mike Huckabee kind of looks like Richard Nixon. Maybe it’s the jowls.
47. Surprising no one, Trump would totally run as a third party.
48. YAAAS RAND PAUL, DRAG HIM.
49. Bush definitely seems smarter than his brother.
50. He’s called “Veto Corleone,” oh my God.
51. Trump is an SNL parody of himself.
52. Trump has no respect for women, and Megyn Kelly is not amused. Neither am I.
53. Rand Paul is an ophthalmologist?
54. Kasich is invoking St. Reagan to defend his expansion of Medicaid.
55. I will no longer be commenting on Donald Trump because he’s raising my blood pressure to unhealthy levels.
56. The candidates should have name tags because like five of these middle-aged white men all look the same.
57. Ted Cruz is super condescending, but at least he says “President Obama” instead of just “Obama.”
58. Rand Paul and Chris Christie screaming at each other is giving me life.
59. I know Rand Paul is being facetious, but President Obama could probably use more hugs, to be honest.
60. Why aren’t they asking Ben Carson any questions?
61. I almost feel bad that all of Bush’s questions reference his dad and brother, but at the same time, I don’t know what he expected.
62. I’m so glad Carson gave shade when he was finally asked a question.
63. Someone please tweet my address to Donald Trump with an invitation to come fight me at any time.
64. Just kidding, please don’t do that.
65. Which wedding did Hillary go to, Donald?
66. Hillary Clinton has been talked about more at the Republican debates today than any GOP candidate.
67. I can’t tell if Rubio and Bush are friends or “friends.”
68. I love when the moderators directly pit people against each other.
69. Chris Wallace’s glasses are much better than Rick Perry’s.
70. How many times can Kasich say “economic growth” in one sentence?
71. Carson doubts Hillary will be the democratic nomination? #FeeltheBern?
72. “If I wanted to destroy the country, I’d do what Hillary has done.” Damn, Dr. Carson.
73. Scott Walker is so bland, I kind of forgot that he was here.
74. “Your companies have gone bankrupt…” “Well I’ve never gone bankrupt…” Okay, Trump.
75. If Rand Paul bleached his hair, he’d look like Justin Timberlake circa 1999.
76. “When did you actually become a Republican?” Get wrekt, Trump.
77. Calling upon St. Ronald Reagan is the Republican “get out of jail free” card.
78. Kasich has a friend who happens to be gay. What a hero.
79. Is that seriously the only racial issues question they’re going to ask?
80. Scott Walker is like the generic fictional president in an action movie.
81. Have any candidates not said “I’m the only one up here who…” yet?
82. “I want to know if any of them have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first.” Is this honestly a real question? Are we asking GOP candidates if they’re prophets?
83. And here come the pandering answers to appease the super conservative Christians.
84. Marco Rubio feels #blessed to be surrounded by so many fine candidates when the Democratic party “can’t even find one.”
85. Closing statements are so anticlimactic.
86. I hate when people outline their impossibly ambitious plans for their hypothetical first day as president.
87. Ted Cruz is all about liberty as long as you’re straight.
88. Ben Carson is honestly so good at throwing shade.
89. Scott Walker just admitted to being normcore.
90. That was a lot better than the first one.
91. Closing thoughts: at the very least, they’re worlds better than the 2012 candidates.
