On Father's Day Sunday, I ran a 10k during the Peace Marathon that is held yearly in Rwanda in honor of the peace developed after the genocide. Okay, I cannot lie, I "fast walked" it. I signed up the day before because 1) it sounded like a funny story to tell and 2) the t-shirts were beyond cool! It was challenging, I am still sore, a couple of times I zoned out and considered walking right back to our host home or to the local coffee shop, but I knew I wanted the cheap little medallion they gave you for participation at the end. Ever since the race though I have been thinking… am I running the race of life or "fast walking" for the ending prize?
That probably sounds so cheesy, but yesterday, I had a panic attack because I was feeling "nothingness" which if anyone knows, is the worst feeling. I did not feel inspired, I did not want to give my all in ministry, I did not feel passionate, I just felt like I was walking slowly to try to get my prize at the end of the race which is going slow. I have had good times on the race and times that I can compare to slowly zoning out from those feelings and drifting sideways, but then realizing I still have so much more of the race to go, literally and figuratively.
I am not trying to put together a ton of words to try to be inspirational, I am really just explaining where I am at and processing it myself. I could, however, tell you each day is a dream. I could only post photos of me holding little kids with a huge smile on my face and flower emojis in my caption. I could be spewing off bible verses on every form of social media. But that wouldn't be real for me. I have to acknowledge the fact that this is CRAZY hard.
I am a creative, a four of the enneagrams, I do marketing and design back at home, and I am a social networking butterfly. I feel like I haven't dove into my creative self in such a long time. I feel unpassionate and uninspired. My spiritual gifts are not needed or utilized in some ministries. I am slowly jogging this race, but running out of water (which is my creative side). I feel challenged and uncomfortable. I communicated this with my team leader during my "middle of the race breakdown" which when you are on the race, you understand. Then, I received an email…
I received an email from the Dave Ramsey Team in Nashville, TN. I was planning on job hunting in Nashville and Los Angeles when I got home so this was pretty serendipitous. Not ONLY did they want to set up a call for the Social Media Marketing position, but they were willing to wait for me to come home from the race. Even though I was not physically and in the moment being creative, God was still blessing me IN the creative. My leader and I cried and laughed because God answered me and reassured me that my gifts WILL be needed soon.
I have realized through all of this sadness and joy that the race isn't the finish line. I shouldn't be waiting to finish the race because life will continue after. Life overall is the race and the finish line enters into the kingdom of heaven. Instead of waiting for what's next, I should be honoring the Lord in all I do with the time I am given. I can be creative in ministry by putting myself out there more and if that's not something that is needed in the moment, I can work on what I am putting out there for future endeavors. You can always use your gifts even when they are not being asked for.