Okay, it's time for me to rant and complain about something dumb! It might look like I'm contradicting so much, but try to understand how I'm feeling. Not all people apply to what I'm going to say.

For the past few months, I've been feeling empty inside. At first, I wasn't sure what I felt I was missing, so I went down the list.

Is My Life in Check?

Over the past year, I started to feel more confident in general and fixed up my mental issues. I've become more motivated in my graphic design work to the point where I'm even interning in a social media internship in the heart of New York City. I'm able to talk publicly in class more often, usually providing constructive criticism and critique comments. My grades are good. I'm joining clubs and writing articles to rant, inform, and inspire. I have a loving family, and I have a good amount of close friends. I even sang (badly) in front of 500 people, and I owned it up. My life is all in check.

But what's missing??

Is This What's Missing?

I concluded that maybe I needed a romantic relationship or some sort of romance. Maybe it's time again. As a people-watcher and observer, I knew it from the moment I started becoming more aware of seeing couples nearly everywhere. I started to feel bitter inside. When my friends talk about their romantic relationships or hardships and show it, I get a bit uncomfortable, but I put on a fake smile. It doesn't exactly help either that some of your closest friends have a good healthy relationship, although I'm still happy for them regardless.

I guess you could say I'm romantically lonely. I have never had a girlfriend in my lifetime. I went on dates and such, but never with a commitment. I really want to cuddle, kiss, hold, and share my life with someone who appreciates me for who I am as much as I appreciate that person the same way. If there's going to be drama, let it happen. It's very lonely. Every night in bed, I always picture someone next to me to feel safe with. Then I just hug my pillow even harder.

Is a Romantic Relationship Worth It?

People have been telling me that it's not really worth it. It's okay to be single. You don't want any romantic drama in your life. Well, my response is that, I don't care. Why not? Like I said, my life is pretty much in check that I don't have to worry too much.

My First Problem (Ongoing)

Self-Esteem in Looks

In terms of looks, I have a really low self-esteem. It's something that makes me hesitant. It's quite ironic how I have a high self-esteem in many different areas EXCEPT for looks. I really don't think I'm ideally attractive. And when I'm talking about looks, I'm also talking about height. This is what I'll be focusing on more. Even if people tell me I'm okay looking or whatever, the height is the benefactor for the majority.

Many people prefer taller guys, and in honesty, I don't really blame them. It's cute. But as a guy with a short body, I feel trapped inside and limited. I have NO CONTROL of my height unlike weight.

I've had people tell me I'd make a great boyfriend. At first, it was touching. However, that perspective changed when I had a former crush (who knew I had liked her before) say the same thing. In my head, I'm just like:

She just preferred taller guys as I remembered from all the times she talked about her ideal type, and I respect that. However, it is frustrating, and I cannot help but feel that way. In my own view, it's like she's saying, "I would have dated you if you were taller."

I'm not trying to brag that I'm a good person or something along those lines because that's just how I am to others; I just really wish I were tall--at least over five-foot-six is okay. I'm only five-foot-two! I'm pretty much a good height if I was a Filipino girl, but I'm a Filipino guy. They are no longer short. They tower over me.

In a way, my short height is a disadvantage for me. It somewhat prevents people from seeing me as a potential candidate to share their life with. Some people can't see past my short stature (ironically), and that's it. Others may say height did not play a factor at all, but psychologically and deep down, it does, no matter how hard people deny it. I think it's a natural thing to have tall guy, short girl duo. It's rare to see a short guy, tall girl duo, and it's uncommon to see a same-height couple. Height is still part of the looks, so in reality, looks heavily play a factor in interest.

Pet Peeves

One of my biggest pet peeves is when my close friends talk to me about "this hot guy" or "this really cute person over there" when I'm listening. Though they don't mean any harm in their saying it, it really annoys me because I feel slightly embarrassed and insulted. I'm really sorry, but it does. It's almost as if they're saying, "You aren't really cute, so I'm going to talk to you about this better-looking guy because you're not him." You might say I'm being ignorant, and that they're telling me this because I'm an easy person to talk to and/or need advice. However, when you constantly tell them you wish you were this guy or that or want something, and they know that, yet they tell you "this hot guy" and such, that's disappointing. It's like they're reminding me that I will never be as good-looking or tall as such-and-such, and that I can't do anything about it. I usually take it in because I don't want to be disrespectful. However, I really don't want to be reminded of something I wish I had and that others do have it. Like I said, I know they don't mean harm, but it's how I feel.

Height Isn't Everything

Yeah, that may be true. However, it is quite difficult in my opinion to have people like shorter guys. It's just preferences, and sometimes you have to respect their choice. But when I'm constantly being rejected or pushed aside because I'm not tall enough, then that really gets under my skin, no matter how hard I try to say that height isn't everything. Sure, there are people who appreciate the way you are, but it's really not as common. It's normal for people to like taller guys. Sure, I have to be patient, but I do want to fix my problem soon. I do think it's time for me to find someone to share my life with. It would be nice.

In the end, I'm just a short grumpy guy complaining about my height. It does play a factor in a subtle fashion or heavily, and I'm just at a disadvantage. All I can do is look and wait for someone who will accept me the way I am. It just sucks, but that's just life. You get it the easy way or the hard way.

Height in Girls

Personally, I don't mind if girls are taller than me. However, I do have an ideal limit. I would say at least five feet four inches (and maybe a biiiit over) is ideal, but I have liked people taller than that in the past, and if they were say yes, I wouldn't mind. I'm not too keen on height (not saying height doesn't play a factor), but if I like you, then I like you. End of story.

Online Dating

I've used Tinder and OKCupid for a couple of months (maybe three or four?), but no luck at all. It seems to be a paradise for f*ckboys, and I ain't a f*ckboy. I haven't gotten one like or whatever at all. I'm assuming it's because of my height because I do reveal in that short bio or something how tall I am. If I don't, no way am I going to see their rejecting faces when they see how short I am in person. So no, I'm not going to waste time there.

My Second Problem (New)

Why Don't You Try Asking Someone Out?

The thing is, aside from being hesitant because of height, I really don't have strong feelings for anyone at all. I don't think anyone recently captivated me powerfully. I just feel meh. I don't feel feels. I get jealous of couples, yet I don't feel something special with anyone. Maybe I'm picky, or maybe I'm waiting for someone. Who knows? How can I get into a romantic relationship if I can't even make it passed the first step: Interest? I really can't feel the butterflies or nervousness. I don't want to ask out someone who I don't have feelings or interest for. There's a greater chance of negative things to happen. However, if someone I don't have interest for asks me out, then I might go for it to see if I'm interested. Relationship/dating should have some sort of interest and trust. It becomes natural, and it will allow for some exploration and surprises.

I wasn't going to mention it, but I will be honest. I did ask out someone recently on a date, and she accepted. (She's probably reading this article right now.) It was originally a friendly meetup, but I turned it into a date. She did not mind. When I met her, she was short and cute, and she had a vibe around her cool enough to feel comfortable. We ate at a restaurant together, and I accompanied her home. When we got to the front door, we hugged. Then I took initiative and kissed her forehead and cheek. Then we kissed. When I departed, my heart was slightly racing. I felt happy.

However, for weird circumstances, and it may sound douchey, I lost the feels. I thought about her a lot during that night, but the next day, I didn't feel anything. I looked at her pictures and such, but nothing. I thought I had slight feelings for her, but no matter what, I don't feel the butterflies. When I accidentally met her again a few days later, it wasn't a feeling I had during the date. I asked her if I could kiss her cheek, but she declined. Though it sounds awful, I tried to force that situation, so I can feel these feelings. It's so frustrating. How can I just lose feelings for someone overnight?! This is currently my issue. If she suddenly asks me out on a date, I will say yes. Maybe it will return.

What Do You Think Is the Cause?

I believe that my anti-depression and anti-anxiety medicines are allowing this lack of feelings to occur. It has some correlations. Since taking the medicines, I've always felt monotonous despite being motivated. I'm less expressive than I was before to the point that I may accidentally give a resting bitch face. I sometimes force myself to display expressions, so people I talk to don't feel discouraged. Don't worry, I'm still interested in what you're saying.

Besides, the anxiety was technically the jump-starter to have interest in and attraction to people. It's a bit weird, but to me, the anxiety is like a signal when I'm interested. With these medicines, it lowered my depression and anxiety; therefore, I don't feel high or low, almost like a flat-line emotion.

I assume that each morning when I take the pills, they rewrite/reset my emotions and feelings. That is probably why I lost feelings for her. It is because when I went on the date with her, it was at night, probably when my medicine was wearing off a bit. Maybe. I like to think so. Currently, I'm trying to get out of the medicine because I feel I don't need them anymore However, it'll take a while. I can't just stop it at this moment because the withdrawal effects will be physically strong. I don't expect you to understand this part, so it's okay.

I do feel regular emotions, but they are very subtle and low. My frustration towards my height has been ongoing since I was young, but I'm not as expressive about it now.

Modern-Day Sleeping "Beauty"-ish

Haha, funny. Maybe. I don't know. Just like a kiss can break free from her eternal sleep, maybe a kiss is enough to break free from my flat-line emotional state. Nah, just kidding. I have no idea. It's probably the medicine that's making me act like this.

Solutions

I've been romantically lonely for a while, but it didn't bother me until the summer of 2016. This is more of a problem than life. The first thing is that I need to remove the notion of height and just keep on trying. The second is to not let this medicine affect my emotions and feelings. I might have to force myself to create feelings, but that might not be natural. Maybe I have to stop taking the medicine. That's what I'm aiming for, and I'm hoping that within a year, I can stop. Whatever the solutions are, I really want my heart racing again. That's it for my rant. It's confusing, yes. I hope I don't sound like an ignorant douchebag.