Ask any of my friends and they will tell you I am anti-relationship. They would probably say I don't believe in love, or that I am disgusted by the entire idea of romance because I am convinced it's nothing more than a momentary, chemical reaction in a person's brain that will inevitably fade away. And I wouldn't surprised if they added a shake of their head or a roll of their eyes since they don't tend to agree with my philosophy.

Yes, this highlights how I am clearly a cynic, but I'll let you know that's not just my outlook on love but also on life. I am equally cynical about everything. However, there are some places where I feel it is more necessary. We'll get there. Firstly, what this description doesn't include is how I am also a romantic, a big one, and being both a cynic and a romantic is quite a conundrum because my heart and my mind are frequently in an internal screaming match with one another.

I've been in relationships before. My most recent one was fine, from beginning to end. It had all the moments of happiness and sadness that are typically assumed in matters of the heart. But I never allowed myself to get too attached. I indulge my romantic side just enough to keep it calm, all the while my cynicism is reminding me this can only go bad, I can only get hurt, and it is not feeding my self-interest. Ah, yes, self-interest - that thing all of us millennials are accused of having too much of, but how the heck are we supposed to get ahead in life if we don't concern ourselves first? I don't know if romance can better me before it destroys me, but I do know working toward my goals and my future ultimately will.

So what happens if we don't put our career, our personal goals, ourselves, over our finicky hearts?

Let's use an example: I have a friend who was quite smitten with a boy. No, this isn't a hypothetical, this is real. And she spent days freaking out over his responding and not responding to Snapchat messages, worried about whether or not she had said something wrong.

I've been there. That stress is horrible. The romantic in me loves the chase, the memories of small conversations, the nights where my head hits the pillow and I can't get a person out of my mind. But the cynic knows there is no gain in this behavior. My brain is not naive. I'm not at a point to realistically commit to a person and it will only end it heartbreak.

Which one wins? The risky heart or the driven brain? It's always a fight to the death.

Unfortunately, neither of these qualities can navigate romance in the twenty-first century very easily. Things like Tinder? Online dating? I don't want that, and I don't understand it. The definition of romance is, "love emphasizing emotion over libido," and I'm sorry, but all of these modern attempts at finding perfect matches is based on nothing but sexual desire. Why else do you swipe right when you see a few pictures and a catchy sentence? You're thinking below the belt, and that's okay, but that's not romance.

And deep down, I want romance, as much as I try to hide it to enhance my own drive to complete my other life goals. I want to meet someone in a bookshop when our hands both reach for the same copy of an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. I want a quirky story about misunderstandings and poorly chosen words upon our first interaction that I will laugh and blush at down the line. I want someone who to help me finish my fries at restaurants, to obsess over political debates with, and who I'll actually want to show my work to as much as he'll want to share his own passions with me.

I'll probably never stop wanting that. I just hope my cynicism doesn't force my eyes blind to the possibility.