Rolling With My Insecurities

Rolling With My Insecurities

I never felt insecure about my wheelchair, I felt insecure about my body.
94
views

Growing up, I never really felt insecure or embarrassed by the fact that I was in a wheelchair. Having a wheelchair was a norm for me, I didn’t see it as something that made me a complete outsider. I only saw it as something that gave me freedom and independence. I still see it like that to this day.

Growing up, my insecurities and embarrassments came more from how my body looked. The bone disease I was born with left me to mature with uneven shoulders, a differently shaped chest, and a very short stature for my age.

When I was younger, of course, I didn’t really notice how different my body was. I was too focused on playing outside with my friends. I was too concerned about what Disney movie I was going to watch before bed. I was comfortable in my body.

It wasn’t until middle school where I started to realize how different my body was from everyone else’s. I think disability or no disability, a lot of people have that realization around that pre-teen age. It’s the age where adults tell you that you’re going to go through “changes.” It’s the age where the health teacher comes into your class to pop in an awkward video about puberty. Basically, it’s an age very few want to go back to.

It was this point in my life where I wanted so badly for my body to look like the other girls’. I would try my hardest to dress like how a majority of them dressed only to face the reality that the clothes didn’t fit my body like I expected them too. I had to face the reality that soon the clothes I wanted to wear would very rarely be found in a size that could fit me. Safe to say, these were pretty frustrating realizations.

My breaking point, though, was when I finally went to go purchase my first bra. Now, if any of you have read a Judy Blume book, you’d know that buying your first bra is a pretty big deal. It’s up there with getting your period and liking a boy (which, though I loved Judy’s books, aren’t the greatest experiences honestly). Anyway, I remember I picked out two that looked so “cool” and “mature”. In all reality, they were pretty average-looking bras, but pre-teen me was stoked about them.

When I got home I wasted no time trying one on and throwing a shirt over it to see what it would look like. I remember how uncomfortable it felt because it didn’t fit my chest perfectly. I remember seeing how lumpy it looked under the shirt. I remember feeling absolutely and positively drained.

I just couldn’t understand why my body had to look the way it did. It wasn’t until I was absolutely sick of feeling this way that I tried to turn my thinking around. I started feeling a bit better about my body in high-school once I realized that this is my body. It’s the only body I’m going to get and I need to take care of it. I didn’t need my body to look the way society promotes bodies to look. I needed to look like me.

The older I get the more representation I see of women with disabilities. There’s models, beauty vloggers, actresses, business women, etc. Though I see that representation, I definitely believe there needs to be more of that representation in the media. Tons more.

I often wonder if I would’ve struggled as much as I did if I saw more representation as a kid. I like to think I would've struggled less, just like how I like to think about today's representation possibly helping out someone who has faced the same struggles that I have.

Now, though I feel better about my body, this doesn’t mean that my insecurities are completely gone. I still have those days where I just don’t feel comfortable. Where I feel like there are so many bits and pieces I wish I could change. But, those days make the days where I love my body feel ten times brighter.

To anyone who can relate to what I have shared, I know it’s frustrating. But, please know that working towards loving your body is completely worth it. It’s hard work, I won’t lie to you about that. Like I said, I still have days where I don’t like what I see in the mirror. At the end of the day, though, that is your body. It’s unique and beautiful because it’s yours. Please take care of it and please take care of yourself. If I learned anything from my experiences, self-love is one of the best kinds of love.

Cover Image Credit: Faythann Fallon

Popular Right Now

I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it

539001
views

Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

Cover Image Credit: wordpress.com

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

Your Health Journey Is A Marathon, Not A Sprint

Perfection takes time.

262
views

When you first start to do something, you have all of the motivation in the world to accomplish that goal set out in front of you, especially when it comes to being healthier. The problem is as you continue through this journey and food and laziness kick in, motivation slips. It's human, and it happens to everyone no matter how physically strong they are.

Trying to be healthier doesn't always mean losing weight. It can be so your knees don't ache as much, so you don't feel as out of breath climbing stairs, or any goal you have set for yourself. Being healthier is personal and different from person to person.

I will be the first to admit that there are plenty of changes I would love to make about myself. From my weight to my body type and many other things about myself inside and out. I am by no means the most confident person about how I look, but I have worked hard for the past year to be an overall healthier person.

Becoming healthier isn't about looking thinner or fitting into a specific size of clothes. It is about taking care of yourself from eating better to working out more. There comes a feeling of confidence in what your body can do if you put a little love in it.

Perfection takes time, and I know firsthand how frustrating trying to be healthier can be.

Pizza tastes so much better than salad. It is so easy to fall into a rhythm of something that seems never to change whether that is your weight or your mile time. Sadly, you can't build a city, or become healthier overnight.

We see people who are thinner, curvier, smarter, faster, and so much more than us. We all waste time comparing ourselves to people around us and on our timelines, but some of our biggest strengths are our individuality and the gift of getting back up after falling down.

All I can say is, please don't give up on your goal of being healthier because this is solely for you. We can have a great support system in the world and have everyone in our corner, but that isn't enough.

You need yourself. You need to know that if you don't entirely put yourself in this journey, then you won't fully succeed. Your commitment to bettering yourself can keep you going even if you want to give up.

Your motivation may not be at its peak level right now, and you may have every cell in your body screaming at you to quit. Don't do it. Prove to yourself that you can keep going no matter what. Not giving up will be worth it. The results and taking the hard way will make you a stronger person inside and out.

You can do this. You can do anything you want to accomplish if you just believe in yourself. You need to understand that becoming healthier takes endurance. There will be periods where you slow down and may not be going at your fastest pace. The difference is that you are not giving up and you are still trying and moving.

Don't treat becoming healthier as a sprint: short term and quick. That mentality will only leave you feeling deflated and defeated. It is a life-long marathon of pacing yourself and pushing yourself further than ever before.

Related Content

Facebook Comments