Today’s society is fixated on the idea of equality: race equality, sexuality equality, gender equality, etc. etc. This, by no means, is a bad thing. It’s actually a very good thing, considering we boast ourselves to be a free country.
However, among the push for gender equality and women’s rights, we’ve gotten so afraid of stepping on people’s toes that we seem to have confused ourselves on the issue of some traditional gender roles, especially in relationships.
As a girl, I’m all about some feminist equal rights, especially since the career path I want to pursue, being a chef, is populated with a majority of men. But at the same time, the idea of having a guy to take care of me and to depend on is nice, and newsflash to all the feminists out there cringing at this, it’s not a bad thing. It’s actually a really nice thing, and amid our push to continue to prove that we should be treated as equals, we’ve gotten too defensive about some traditional gender roles.
Who is in charge of the household?
This is a huge topic for women with a girl power attitude. Some modern feminists, my best friend being one of them, love the idea of a stay-at-home dad while they bring in most or the majority of the household income. Personally, I see nothing wrong with this, but it definitely isn’t my cup of tea. I prefer the traditional household structure. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t have career dreams. Because I do. A lot of them, in fact, and I’ve also always dreamed of having a family. But I don’t necessarily plan on throwing all my chef dreams out the window the minute I find a guy who sweeps me off my feet, fairy tale style, and we have all those cute kiddos I’ve always wanted.
Here’s the thing that irks me when people talk about feminism and independent women in today’s world: somehow they seem to think women can’t do both. Our generation gets its feathers ruffled at the notion of someone wanting to be a stay-at-home or working-from-home mom, and it baffles me as to why. This is where I ride the line with feminist ideas. Today, it seems in order to be an independent woman, and to prove that you are one, a woman has to get a job and make huge successes in her career to prove she is equal. Having a family doesn’t seem to fit into the feminist equation. In fact, it almost seems that, in some cases, surrendering to being a mom is the defeat of your feminist reputation, in the eyes of both men and women.
The problem with some feminist outlooks and what frustrates some independent women, like myself, is that we want both, and some feminist views tend to tell us we can’t have both; at least, not without being a workaholic mom to make up for it. I disagree. I want a career, I want to work hard, I want to achieve my dreams, and I want to be treated as my male coworkers' equal and be paid accordingly, but I also want to have a family and be a very hands-on mom who at some point might be a stay-at-home mom with a working husband, and nowhere in that statement does that mean I’m any less independent or any less in support of feminism.
Guys, chivalry is not dead.
As a girl who has a tendency to love proving people wrong when they say I can’t do something, the idea of chivalry is one I’ve pondered and argued with myself about. It took me a while, but I finally figured out how to appreciate some good old-fashioned chivalrous gestures.
It started my freshman year of college. I had a crush on a guy I worked with, and the feeling seemed to be mutual. When we were closing, he’d watch me do things my way, and then offer to do them for me — mostly, I think, because he was faster than me and we all wanted to go home. At first, this perplexed me. I’d say, no, I could do it myself. For a while he let me be, but eventually he stopped taking no for an answer, and I came to realize this is the kind of chivalry I like and the kind of chivalry feminists can approve of: Let me show you I can do it myself, so that when you try to do it for me, I know it’s because you want to, not because you think I can’t.
Three years later, I still think this, and so do my friends who I’ve talked about such things with. I’ve learned to appreciate the old-fashioned gestures I used to be unsure of. Opening my car door for me on our first date? That kind of thoughtfulness earns you some mad points and is actually swoon-worthy. To the girls who still aren’t on board, think of it this way: chivalry is the mark of a gentleman, a good guy, someone with intentions to treat you with the respect feminists so desperately crave. A douchebag would never think to open your car doors for you. It’s the little things!
Guys can say things that girls can’t.
This annoys me. To no end. It’s an age old issue that girls my age are fighting extremely hard to smother. Mostly, I think, this issue comes about when dealing with sex and relationships.
“I’m considered a very sexual person at school.” One of my guy friends said this to me, and none of us batted an eye at the implication of what he was saying. In fact, we laughed at the way he said because, in essence, what he really said was, “I’m a slut.” And that made him cool.
If any girl said this to a group of people, regardless of whether they knew her well or not, there would be some form of judgment passed. It may not have been voiced, it may not have even been consciously thought, but it would be there, even if just in the slightest way.
This is annoying and a total double standard. The only real way to fix it is to bear the cross of judgment proudly and without shame until being able to speak openly is a social norm just like with guys, but I have a feeling that’ll take a while.
Being a feminist doesn’t make us emotionless.
Here is the caveat to feminism: when you’re a strong, independent girl who everyone is used to seeing happy and successful and determined, it can be a shocker when normal “girl” emotions bubble to the surface, even for the independent girl herself. Because, let’s face it, on average, girls are just more emotional than guys. Even independent ones.
Last fall, I was crushing on a guy I knew I liked pretty much the minute we started talking. He was cool. And the feelings seemed to be reciprocated, so I rolled with it, enjoying someone who was not a douche bag frat guy for once. The fling was short-lived, but despite its length, I was disappointed when it ended and couldn’t help but wonder if I’d done something wrong. Had I opened up too quickly? Had I said something too honest? Mostly, all of the thoughts I was having were, in essence: Did I act too girly?
My friend and I discussed this a week or so later when both of us were still confused by the sudden end after things had seemed to be going so well. She pointed out her feeling that when something like this happens, it seems like girls should immediately be okay with it, and that sometimes, it feels like developing strong feelings quickly and showing it is a crime punishable by scaring guys off. It hit me that this is the downside to being an independent woman: people, including the woman herself, forget that it’s normal to want to depend on others, especially someone you like. And when you do, you, and everyone else, tend to freak out that oh my gosh, she has emotions!
Today, we have gotten so wrapped up in the ideas of feminine equality that we’ve forgotten that the nice, softer side of girls — the emotions that don’t make sense, the little things that make us feel like ladies, the wonderful intuition girls seem to have that boys seem to lack (sorry, boys, it’s true) — these things aren't weaknesses, but strengths.
Keep on being awesome, all of you feminists out there, and keep fighting for those equal rights, because we deserve them. But don’t cut yourself short and forget about all your wonderful girly emotions and the need to be dependent sometimes. It doesn’t make you any less independent; in fact, I think knowing when you need others makes you even more independent. Girl power!
