The recent Republican debates have focused on highly controversial issues like Planned Parenthood, immigration and health care. But the most important question that these conservative contenders consistently ask themselves is “how do I connect with the youth?” They have taken note of their past failures to do so and they have paid for it. While the GOP tosses and turns in their sleep, here at Florida State, the most pertinent questions on our minds quite often becomes “so, where are we going tonight?” Looks like our priorities and theirs don’t exactly coincide. But, do not fret. What if our favorite Tallahassee hotspots, where we go to do our favorite Tallahassee activities, were each embraced by a different GOP presidential candidate? The results may be just the answer they’re looking for.
Donald Trump: Coliseum.
Everyone’s thoughts on a Saturday night at Coliseum: How did I get here? Why am I here in the first place? Everyone’s thoughts the morning after Coliseum: Did I do anything dumb last night? What did I say? I don’t know, but I really don’t think it matters. Welcome to the world of The Donald. He’s loud, he’s wild and he is in your face whether you like it or not. But does this love/hate relationship deter us from future action? According to your attendance records and his polling numbers, apparently not.
Carly Fiorina: Recess.
She’s the new kid on the block, and wasting no time making a name for herself. This San Francisco raised technology mogul has no problem getting her feet wet and jumping right into the political cesspool that is this years Republican field. She makes no apologies for attacking the engrained aristocracy in Washington, and neither does Recess, which has already made a name for themselves as the hot new Saturday night spot. Slowly but surely we are seeing Fiorina climb those seemingly endless stairs, inching closer and closer to the strobe-light, cabana life of the promised land.
Jeb Bush: Tabu.
So what the last two didn’t work out so well, for some reason we keep going back. Former Governor Bush is making waves for his more liberal immigration stance -- don’t worry, freshmen, you are all getting in.
John Kasich: Moda.
Who? Where? Exactly.
Ben Carson: Public House
Smart dude for sure. A jack of all trades really. World-renowned doctor, best-selling author, Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient. This should really be way more intriguing than it is. But for some reason, we just can’t catch on. Hey, want to go to Pub House tonight and play some pool? Darts? It's 3-for-1 till midnight. My boy is bartending he’ll hook it up. Our answer: Naw, not really.
Ted Cruz: Bullwinkle's.
Known for his strict anti-amnesty and immigration reform, he is certainly not the candidate that those yearning for the American dream are looking for. We feel you freshman. Maybe in a few years. Bulls and Senator Cruz have one message for all of us: Don’t even think about it.
Rand Paul: Inn Between.
A stark reminder that too much freedom is not always the best move. RIP.
With so much time remaining before the American people must make up their mind, only one thing is for certain: there are no real winners, right now. However, if I had to guess who might just be sitting real pretty, I might have to say Democratic frontrunner, Hilary Clinton, is feeling pretty good about herself from the views at Level 8. Put your feet up, get a Long Island and watch the mayhem play out below. It’s going to be a long night in Tallahassee.
