I have learned many things while in high school, from solving differential equations to learning the causes and effects of World War I. I have learned life lessons, such as who I am in this world (though that’s still a work in progress). I have learned about differing philosophies, answers to questions, and questions that don’t have answers. But most of all, I have learned fear. And I am scared.
I'm scared that as I grow older and the first signs of gray show up in my hair or the first wrinkles touch my forehead, that I will find that my soul has become too small for my body. I'm scared that I will continue to chase a dream that doesn’t belong to me, and in the end, all I will be left with is broken mediocracy. I'm scared that I will carry past moments like burdens, and that regret will tingle my tongue with unhappiness. I am scared that I will have to wait, and wait, and wait until I realize that life has become a waiting game.
You see, we live with this pressure, both from ourselves and society, that we must succeed. We are told that we must leave a footprint that lasts longer than time itself, and anything less is constituted as a failure. But here’s the thing: you are infinity tightly wrapped together in the body of the finite. We are bound to mess up, to make mistakes, to blunder, to fail, and to fall short of our dreams and ambitions at some point.
There will be times when our dreams will be set ablaze by the fires of reality and all that will be left of them will be ashes, because honestly, life is kind of hard, and we are like supernovas: bursts of beauty and destruction. The days of tired tears and heavy hearts are not over. They will continue to cling like a second skin. But these moments, these failures, and these mistakes are what molds our humanity, and every second and every minute threads itself into our lives. Every thought and every whisper compose us into something more; something greater. And out of the ashes of our mistakes, we can grow a forest.
Perhaps that’s why we need to take things day by day; moment by moment. Reality tells us that there will be times when we’re broken, weary, lonely, and struck with indecisiveness, and all we can do is stare holes into the white ceiling above us and think, “Do I dare disturb the universe?” In these vulnerable moments, I ask that you listen to the drag of your heart as it thumps:
I am.
I am.
I am.
That's why in these moments of hardships, of being overwhelmed, and of failures, I have to remind myself to continue. Because one day you will just know, and you will breathe in the universe, because that is beautiful.
