I was waiting for a savior.
Not the kind like in the Bible, but someone to stop this mad world. I just wanted an out for a while to could clear my mind. Something that was permanent, just not death, merely a stand in to where I could decide when to return when my sails were fully ready. My mind was a definite tool before you took control. The memories of you saying, “stop, don’t, you can’t, you won’t” were and still are a constant. Standing in front of you, pouring my ideas like words to a never-ending book didn’t seem to phase you either. Just the usual response of “it’ll be okay.”
It started in my spine, tingling up to my neck, eventually coursing through my skull. Thoughts racing like the speed of light, with contradictions of what I could and couldn’t be shooting back and forth. My body was numb, yet still trying to decide whether to move forward or not. Forcefully dragging my legs along that filthy road, looking beyond the sky that went on for miles and miles. I almost turned around, yet knew somehow either you or others would brand me ignorant. My palms began to shake with my knees quivering as night sweats broke out in the day. Racing a million miles an hour, my heart went into overdrive, just as it was at our first meeting. I said “never get too attached, never too involved.” I couldn’t risk another break in my already cracked existence. I was strong, yet your current took a hold of me like the old juvenile summers. Jumping around and looking back to check my gap, yet never realizing just how distant I was. This time too, it wasn’t as easy to swim back to shore and escape.
I remember wanting to stand up, saying my words in an organized form to tell you how I felt. My language being one you had never heard from me before. I wanted to put my thoughts on paper, to be able to watch your emotions, as you would read. It wouldn’t have been able to slice you open, with your wounds for everyone to see; only my pure nature could do that. My portrayals of you trying to bandage it, yet it hurt too much and then your hollow heart would give in. Sitting and waiting to erupt would only last so long. As my fingers fluttered, my mind tried to straighten up, gaining courage to do what I felt.
I remember telling you everything and once again, pouring myself, but this time into an already filled cup. Spilling over, it all came out with words forming together to make the creation I had always dreamed. My waves crashing down, tugging you under with the current. And then, I recall being just fine.