We live in a world where the term “relationship status” can mean a number of things. There are a wide range of situations that one may find themselves in, many of which lie somewhere in between the ranges of “Single” or “taken”. It is time that we as a society start to look at relationships in a way that is clear and relatable to everyone, and I have found one thing to be the perfect universal tool to accurately and clearly describe anyone’s relationship status: Potatoes.
1. French Fries: DTFYou are just a spud lookin’ for a STUD. The French fry is the ultimate symbol of freedom and the pursuit of happiness. As a French fry, you are only looking out for yourself and that’s the way you like it. Whether you are coated in salt and vinegar or just being your plain old spudly self, you are just making yourself happy first.
2. Potato Chips: Crazy Cat Lady
You’re crusty, salty, and rough around the edges. You don’t need all that romance and sentimental mumbo-jumbo to get in your way. You don’t feel the need to impress anyone, and who cares if you want to wear the same pajama pants in public three days in a row? Not you! If binge watching all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls alone with your cat is wrong, then you don’t want to be right!
3. Baked Potato: Parent
The baked potato is the ultimate mom spud. Versatile, quick, and relatively bland in flavor, a baked potato has more important things to do than worry about spicing up their life. Your wild days have passed, at least until the kids move out, and you are more focused on family. Baked potatoes can also describe a baby. They are sometimes weird looking, always a funny shape, and occasionally a different color than you expected.
4. Scalloped Potato: You just wanna have fun
You’re cheesy and everyone loves you. Kind of like Zooey Deschanel, but hotter. Scalloped potatoes are always down for a night of fun, whether it be going out dancing, or ordering in with your gal pals. You love to mix it up and aren’t afraid to add some new ingredients into your boring old routine. To quote the great philosopher Tater Swift: “Haters gonna hate, potaters gonna potate.”
5. Potato Bread: Single AF
You give zero f***s. Enough said.
6. Sweet Potato: You are probably in middle school
You aren’t the average spud: you are a little sweet, optimistic, and relatively naive. You just got yourself your first boyfriend, and can’t wait to jump into the fun and exciting world of dating! Enjoy this phase before you get doused in sour cream for the first time (take that comparison however you will) and realize that love is full of sacrifices.
7. Mashed Potato: Relationship goals.
You have found it: the perfect spud. The ketchup to your French fry, the butter to your baked, and the cheese to your scalloped. This spud has stood by you through all of your starchy stages, even when you were experimenting with other veggies in college. The two of you have become one, creating a delicious and smooth dish that everyone can’t help but love. Congratulations on reaching the potato mecca, you’ve EARNED it.
