As my first semester of senior year flies past, it feels as if there are thousands of decisions I have to make. I have less than a year to choose my future job, find a place to live, and countless other “adult” things that I haven’t even thought of yet.
But with all of the life-decisions (that I promise I’m working on…slowly), the question that I hear more than anything else is: “Are you planning on getting engaged anytime soon?”
And my answer? To be honest, I don’t know what I’m going to be eating for breakfast tomorrow.
Over the past year, I’ve seen friends and family get engaged, and each time I hear their happy news, I’m filled with anxiety. As a self-proclaimed romantic, I logically should be happy for them, yet instead I’m always left feeling somewhat befuddled.
It’s not that I’m upset by people finding their soulmates early. I can genuinely say I’m happy for those who have made the decision to get married after college. Plus who doesn’t love the idea of going to a wedding? There’s cake. C’mon.
And it’s not like I haven’t found someone that I am genuinely, over-the-moon, practically living Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” excited about. And we’ve both agreed we’ve got a lot to think about before marriage comes along. So, why do I panic when I see a diamond ring?
I think it all boils down to pressure. You may never know if you’re making the “perfect decision” for your future. Senior year is filled with anxieties and very little affirmation. While you're making all of these (literally) life changing decisions, there’s not a single person who will be doing the exact same thing as you.
There’s a possibility your friends may evolve or disappear, your relationship with your parents becomes more mature, and of course, your relationship with your significant other has to change as well. And that can leave a lot of questions unanswered.
It would be so much easier to head into life with someone who has committed their entire life to you. In moments where you’re terrified that you’re making the wrong decisions, that wedding band guarantees that a person will be there to hold you up and keep you steady. But maybe that’s where my problem lies.
As much as I want to have that security (or at least I think I do), I’ve come to realize that it may not be the best thing for me at this point in my life.
A little background: When I was a kid, I was giddy at the thought of of being a bride. After years of princess movies with big castles and handsome princes, all I wanted was a wedding dress to wear on Halloween. And the dress was perfect (it was very sparkly). But, looking back, I don’t think the idea of actually marrying anyone ever even entered my head.
The next year, feeling much older than my previous seven-year-old self, I chose a costume that went in a completely different direction. I, Elizabeth aka Wonder Woman, was ready to take the world by storm. I still remember how formidable I felt wearing her crown, yelling “DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY” across the dark streets of my neighborhood (thanks for teaching me the word patriarchy at age eight, Mom).
At this moment in time, I find myself somewhere in between these two past selves. Occasionally yes, I do daydream about the perfect day with the perfect dress, only to remember the fact that there’s a lot more to a wedding than a dress.
It’s honestly hard to admit that I am not fully ready for monumental life changes like that. But I can’t see myself wanting to jump from my home in Houston, to a college bubble, and immediately to a shared income household (I only learned how to cook last year!!). How would I ever know I could live on my own?
It’s important to remember “not now” doesn’t mean “not ever.” Eventually yes, I would love to be the woman in the sparkly white dress celebrating with her husband and friends.
While some other people may be waiting to see me with an engagement ring, I’m still figuring out what I can do. And that’s okay. When (and if) that day comes I want it to be because I’m ready, not because it’s what is expected of me.
