Have you ever listened to Billy Joel? He has a song called "Vienna" and it's about remembering to slow things down and giving yourself time for self-care. It's about remembering that there's a good place waiting for you after your work is done; it's your Vienna.
Right now, my body is full of knots and the ropes that tie them are anxiety and depression. The kind of symptoms that make you want to stop living and throw in the towel, "That's all folks!" Believe me, this is not my first rodeo with relapsing into rock bottom. It all started a week and some change into winter vacation. I come from a past of doing the bare minimum in life, which was going to school and doing homework. But that's ending sooner than I'm comfortable with, but that's something I just have to adapt to and accept.
I've done well so far. I've gotten my second internship, I survived my fall semester of college with straight A's, and I've gone to many places in NYC. So shouldn't that be enough to screw my head back into place? Not necessarily.
Keeping myself busy helped give me a purpose in life, which was to do schoolwork and work at my internship. Sure it was stressful, but it was the kind of stress that didn't make me feel anxious when I opened my eyes in the morning. But there is a lull in between the fall and spring. Winter vacation should be the break that I deserved after working so hard, but I still feel like I should be doing more. More to get ready for the future, more to get ready for school, more this, more that, more, more, more. I keep asking myself if this vicious cycle of work and life will ever come to the point where I feel like I'll be able to take a vacation and not worry or feel anxious about my next move.
Is it possible to become a workaholic because you're afraid of going mad? Because you're afraid of whatever your future career is going to be and have to do everything to prevent being jobless after graduation? I have become a red hot fireplace poker, but I forgot how to cool down.
So I'm trying to listen to what Billy Joel is saying to me. I'm trying to hang onto my Vienna.
