Tragedy struck my family last winter when my uncle passed away. His death hit me harder than I ever would have expected. Before this tragedy, my relationship with God was good. He was a constant figure in my life that I could turn to when life became too hard. The loss of my loved one caused me to not trust God and I ultimately turned my back on Him.
There were many emotions flooding though me after his death. Mostly, I was angry. Angry at God for taking someone I loved away from me. I understand that everyone has lost someone, but this loss felt personal. Like God placed this wonderfully kind person in my life only to take him away from me. I won’t lie – there were moments I hated God. Not only did I hate Him for breaking my heart, but He caused people I love to endure unfathomable pain.
My grandma was forced to bury another one of her children. A mother should never have to bury her children. I hated Him for taking away my dad's little brother. The death of his brother affected him deeply, causing scars that I’m not sure will ever heal. Knowing my dad was hurting and that I couldn’t help take the pain away, was the hardest. God was causing my family pain and I refused to believe that this was His plan.
The months after my uncle’s death were dark. I was dying inside and nobody knew it but me. I thought that I was alone in what I was going through, I was wrong. One of my friends was able to pull me out of this darkness. She spent time teaching me about God and His plans for me. She told me that God will do things we simply cannot understand, but we must have faith in all He does.
It wasn’t an easy road out of the darkness and I will never fully understand why my uncle had to go. The best I can do is better my faith in God and hope in time that the understanding will come. My connection with God is still developing, but at least I know God never turned his back on me. I may have turned my back on him, but he was always there waiting for me to turn around.
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31
