If you've ever lost someone near and dear to you, then you've had those days. You know, the ones when there's nothing you can do but think, why?
I experience this feeling pretty often and each time I do, I struggle with trying my best not to place blame on God. I try my best just to get through the day without questioning His plan. It's hard, especially since I will always have questions, and most of all, I will always miss my sister.
Bailey Eve Eubanks was born on July 24, 1992, and from that day on she was a blessing to anyone who knew her. She had a fiery attitude, and wasn't afraid to unleash it. She had this unbelievable ability to say what she was thinking with nothing more than a facial expression, which was both hilarious and terrifying at the same time. When I was three years old, Bailey was diagnosed with stage four Wilms tumor, a type of childhood cancer. This discovery sent my family into a whirlwind of emotions, but Bailey stayed strong throughout numerous chemotherapy treatments, spine cell transplants, blood transfusions, 12 surgeries, and four relapses. Throughout the numerous treatments, Bailey was always positive. She would often promise me that she wasn't going anywhere, because she couldn’t leave me. I believed her because big sisters are always right. Aren’t they?
After five years of fighting, on October 13, 2003, Bailey wasn’t doing so well. The cancer had spread from her kidneys to her bladder, and it was evident to the doctors that her organs were failing. The main focus was to keep her out of pain, and the nurses would give her more medicine every time she made the slightest noise in her sedated rest, because they were fearful that she was hurting. As they sat there, Bailey’s daddy began to pray over his heavily sedated daughter, begging God to heal her, begging Him to relieve her pain. Moments later, Bailey’s eyes opened wide, focusing on the ceiling above, and she said “Mama, I see an angel.” Through her tears, my mama told her to run to it. Miraculously, Bailey’s legs began to move in the bed, running to this angel, and less than a minute later she took her last breath with a smile on her face.
At the age of seven, my world was turned upside down and though it’s been awhile, my life still flips sometimes.
On July 24th, it was one of those days when I felt like nothing was right. It was my sister's 23rd birthday, and instead of having some party full of cake and ice cream, I found myself at the cemetery standing over her grave. I was angry, I was heartbroken, and once again, I was beating myself up for feeling that way.
I know I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes. I know that Bailey’s friends, family, and hundreds of strangers in this world face this overwhelming pain and anger at some point after losing a loved one, and that’s okay. What’s not okay, though, is surrounding yourself in the pain and the depression that often follows. It’s not okay to turn your back on God, on your friends, and on your family when you need them most. Believe me, I know it’s not fair. Over the past 12years, I have been faced with waking up each morning and remembering that my sister is gone, and every time hurts just as bad as the last. Bay's younger siblings will never know her, my mama and her daddy won't see her grow into a beautiful woman or get to give her the wedding of her dreams, and I'll never have her as my maid of honor, the godmother to my children, or as my go to phone call. No, it's not fair -- but it's reality.
As crazy as it seems, I consider my family, along with the rest of Bailey’s family and friends, to be lucky, even blessed. We are blessed beyond measure to have such a beautiful testimony to tell about our sweet angel going home, and I personally believe that being blessed with a miracle like this isn’t something we are supposed to hide. Because, you see, God doesn’t make mistakes. God doesn’t make hasty decisions. He is an all-knowing, all-powerful being who has a plan for your life before you are even born.
That being said, He didn’t perform a miracle in the death of my sister for our sake. If He wanted to do that, there’s no doubt that He could have cured Bailey in the snap of His mighty fingers. God gave us a miracle so that we could tell others of the beautiful peace He gave my family, the wondrous way He was listening to Richie as he prayed over Bailey, but most of all, He gave us a miracle so that we, along with everyone we tell, can truly understand that He is always with us.
We, as humans, are imperfect beings. We make mistakes, we get angry with God, and on some days we feel alone, but we aren't. We serve an amazing God, one who wants nothing short of all of out love, in return. He asks us to trust him. ("Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5). That's a tough pill to swallow, I know, but He knows what He's doing, though we have no clue. If we can trust Him with our lives, with our futures, can't we trust Him with our loved ones? Saying goodbye on Earth is temporary, everything on Earth is temporary. We have to trust in God, and know that we will see our loved ones again -- and what a glorious day that will be.
I’m not sharing this for pity, I’m not sharing this for more views, and I’m definitely not sharing this to take pride in myself, because I am far from a perfect example. I’m sharing this because I hope that someone out there will read it, and it will make those days a little easier. I hope that the next time you’re having one of those days that makes you turn to God in anger, or makes your heart cringe in pain, you can think of the beautiful testimony He has given me through the life of an unbelievably strong, courageous, and often sassy eleven year old, and maybe, just maybe, you can lift your hands to Him, the God who gives and takes away -- even in the storm.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
