Whenever I sign into my Facebook, I am overcome with an overwhelming sense of loss, as I mourn the days when it was all about “becoming a fan of” pages and perfecting the quotations on my profile. Nowadays, every other post is about politics (read: reason why I may soon need an anxiolytic prescription), the suffering that seems to be evermore prevalent in the societies of the present, or an article written about the horrifying flesh-eating bacteria that may actually be taking over the world (read: the Gulf Coast). Anyway, this article is largely satirical and is definitely quite strident. In a world where everyone and their mother seem to be infuriated and offended at all hours of the day, I’m not too worried about exacerbating your level of annoyance and anger. Give this article a read if you’ve poked all of your friends back, you’ve liked the profile pictures that truly deserve it, and you’ve shared your own articles, posts and photos.

1. I don’t care about who you’re voting for in the upcoming election.

Hillary and The Donald both give me a case of the heebie-jeebies, and no article or news excerpt that you post is going to encourage me about one candidate or the other. I’m not here on Facebook to further my indoctrination into a country of people who think this election is life or death, thank you!

2. No, I actually don’t want to wish Happy Birthday to that kid I met at sleep-away camp 5 years ago.

At this point, anyone I haven’t talked to in more than a minute who pop up under the birthday tab are those who I’m seconds away from unfriending or unfollowing (if I’m trying to keep up those friend numbers, you know?)

3. I have no interest in the ads that seem to be popping up inconveniently in between the photos I’m trying to skim through.

I don’t wish to join FarmersOnly.com, nor do I want to try out the lingerie brand that undoubtedly cons 12,432 people per hour into signing an annual contract.

4. All of this name changing s**t is making it incredibly hard for me to exercise my stalking capabilities.

I know you’re all trying to preserve your reputations for the sake of your future occupation. But I’m out here trying and failing to stalk my ex and his new girlfriend. And yes, they are both private on Instagram too.

5. I’m not even going to entertain the possibility of clicking on the Wall Street Journal article which you shared that delves into the intricacies of the Brexit issue.

I’m perfectly content to sit in the dark about all of these issues that are plaguing modern society. I’ve got myself a Fleetwood Mac album, a good book, and a cold Natural Light. That’ll take care of it all for me.

And there you have it, friends and foes. Like, comment, subscribe, share, complain, complain some more, post an aggravated response, and unfriend me if you feel so moved!