"Jumanji" was my favorite film as a kid. The action. The heart. I loved it all.
But, every time I got home from kindergarten, grabbed a Trix yogurt and sat down to watch Alan Parrish get sucked into a board game in front of his crush (lame), I couldn't help but think, "Will my future, very attractive friend Alex be better than getting buried in the mud similar to the opening scene of this hit 1995 fantasy adventure film?"
Well, almost twenty years later, I can tell you that the answer is "yes." Here's why.
1. Alex is friendly.
Everyone who knows Al loves him! He is a great wingman, wedding date and always the life of the party. Mud is gross.
2. Alex lives a healthy lifestyle.
Being around Alex always inspires you to be your best self. When he's not pumping iron or sweating it out in a yoga class, he's choosing the healthy option on the menu. Good for him! You wouldn't be able to breathe under mud and would eventually suffocate.
3. He's talented.
Al is a working actor and talented improviser. He always comes to rehearsals on time with a positive attitude. That's a hard combo to come by! Before the mud completely suffocated you, it would clog your mouth and throat and that would taste bad.
4. Alex has a great headshot.
Look at that sultry stare. Once, Alex left his headshot on a table before an audition to go to the bathroom and an auditor saw it and called her friend over just to look at it. There's probably worms in the mud and now in your mouth.
5. Alex is great with kids.
The kids that I babysit can't get enough of Al! He's always goofy and full of energy and youths really respond to that. That said, it was 1860s youths who buried the Jumanji game in the mud in the first place. But, what choice did they have?!
6. Alex is eco-friendly.
Alex hates food waste. Every time we go out to eat, he eats the scraps off of my plate. Sometimes, before I'm even done eating. What a guy! In this scenario, are you a person being buried in the mud in a similar vein to the Jumanji board or are you a personified version of the Jumanji board? I don't follow.
7. Alex knows The Chainsmokers.
Well, a Chainsmoker. If there wasn't only one person not wearing a backstage pass in this photo, I wouldn't even know which one that was. Still cool, I guess! Say you do somehow escape from the mud. Now what?! You gonna get an Uber covered in mud? Yeah, right.
8. Alex co-hosts a podcast.
What doesn't he do? Alex will crack you up with his hilarious banter and astute observations of 80s film tropes in his podcast "23 Going on 30." Ok so, you got lucky and your Uber driver is cool with you getting his Kia Soul all muddy. Now you have to listen to him test out his standup routine. And yes, it's racist.
9. Alex is nice.
Alex is very thoughtful and kind. He's always telling you how great he thinks you are or telling other people how great he thinks you are. Being his friend is great for free advertising. Your Uber driver kicked you out for not laughing, and now you're sitting on the side of the road as tears roll down your mud-caked face.
10. Alex knows how to count.
One. Two. Three. Four. And so on. You're cold and wet and the mud on your fingers got under your home button and froze your phone. "Need help?" a voice asks. You look up... It's Alex.
11. Alex offers people help after they've been buried in mud "Jumanji"-style.
