Picture this: you're walking down the street and minding your own business. Suddenly, someone from afar sees you and likes what they see! They decide to voice their appreciation by unceremoniously yelling at you from where they are.
"Hey, baby! How's it going?"
OMG! You should feel so honored! Catcalling is obviously the best way to attract potential significant others. It's not like shouting obscenities at strangers on the street is rude, scary, obnoxious, or a form of harassment in any way possible! Here are 5 reasons why catcalling should be a permanent addition to your pickup moves.
1. If you want to catcall someone who's driving, disregard their concentration on the road
If you see me at a stoplight waiting for the light to turn green, then obviously the best thing for you to do in that situation is motion for me to roll down my window and give a remark about my appearance that I didn't ask for!
2. Catcalling someone who's walking alone in the dark is always a great idea
Chances are they don't feel a bit of heart-pounding fear as they try to make it safely home without any incident. Now is a great time to be in the shadows and yell things that will in no way make them uncomfortable!
3. It's the only way to "compliment" someone
You should never compliment someone on their intellect, personality, sense of humor, or other traits that make us who we are. Only appearances should be commented on, and never phrase it in a kinder, less threatening way.
4. There's no way you yelling at them will trigger any harmful memories they may have and/or make them feel isolated
We live in a fantasy world where no one ever has bad things happen to them and your actions do not have severe consequences on your innocent peers. You catcalling them won't open any painful memories or anything outlandish like that.
5. Violence has never ever occurred after an instance of catcalling, so they should respond positively after an unsavory comment
Catcalling is not proven to lead to a higher chance of people (generally women) being assaulted. This never happens and whoever you're talking to will always know you're a swell guy who means no harm. Plus, with the way our society is right now, it even encourages patriarchal behavior. It's not like anyone gets killed after being catcalled.
*Side note: let me be the first to say loud and clear that is article is satire; catcalling is NEVER OK and will never succeed in getting you someone's phone number. The only time you should be catcalling is if you are calling a literal cat over to you. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
