Eating disorders have been a common occurrence in current society, especially in the younger generations. There are kids all over the nation starving themselves, eating until they feel sick, throwing up, and focusing on counting calories more than they focusing on their math homework or daily social interactions.

I, like a shockingly large percentage of girls, suffered (still often suffer) from an eating disorder. Now I know what I am not the first to suffer, but I am also smart enough to know that I am not the last. However, if I can do anything to help people realize the detrimental impact negative body imaging and body shaming is having on our society, then I will do just that.

First, let’s look at the facts.

1. Forty-two percent of first through third grade girls want to be thinner.

Let me get this straight. FIRST through THIRD graders. When I was in first grade, I was more concerned about what I was going to be playing when I went outside for recess.

2. Over one-half of teenage girls use unhealthy weight control behaviors.

Over FIFTY percent. Are these statistics starting to scare you yet?

3. The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 165 pounds. The average Miss America winner is 5’7” and weighs 121 pounds.

Now this is where the problem is. I am by no means trying to body shame Miss America for being skinny and having the “perfect” body. But this is the constant imagery that these young girls are being exposed to. It is unrealistic to have a BMI of 17 while still trying to balance school and a job and a social life.

I am what you call a basket case of disorders. At a young age, I was diagnosed with depression and always blamed this disease for my low self-image. Now I come from an Italian family; one that always eats and doesn’t worry too much about the repercussions. So, as you can imagine, when I came out about my eating disorder it was a big surprise. I was a size six, what was there to hate about my body? Yet there I was, vulnerable and crying in my bedroom when my mom walked in and immediately knew something was wrong. It wasn’t the first time she had walked into this and she just let me cry. Then we began to talk, and for once in my life I knew I needed help. We began looking up treatment centers for me; it was comforting. I started seeing my old therapist again.

I have what you call a case of OCD bulimia and orthorexia: an obsession with eating healthy and throwing up anything that causes triggers of insecurity in terms of self-image. At the beginning of my disorder, I weighed 151.6 pounds. I still remember seeing the number on the scale and being completely startled by it. Had I really gained so much weight since the beginning of college? I had always worried about my body and this was the first time since eighth grade that I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, but I always swore that I would never let myself get over 150 pounds. I know that sounds ridiculous. I am 5’7″ and being 150 pounds is absolutely normal, but I wouldn’t listen to any of it. When I realized I had a problem, I was 132 pounds. I lost an overwhelming 19.6 pounds in two months and not the healthy way.

I am much healthier now. I don’t weigh myself anymore, because I know that I shouldn’t be defined by the numbers I see on the scale. I don’t throw up anymore, but sometimes I find myself eating late at night until I feel sick and then staying up until 4 a.m. with no thoughts except for regret and resentment for what I did.

As a young woman, the number I see when I step on the scale seems to be a big indicator of how I view my self-image for the day. The problem with weighing myself is that I let a single number on the scale define my emotions for the day. If I liked the number on the scale in the morning, I would have a more drive to eat healthy foods and workout because I feel good about my body. On days that the scale isn’t exactly what I like, I shut down and gave up.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we allow a number on a scale to define us so much? Being 133 versus 135 pounds isn’t that big of a difference and not even noticeable so why let it bother me? We are with numbers and it has to stop. I look essentially the same in the mirror at 133 and 135. But I don’t think about it that way– ever. And I know a lot of people don’t.

Looking good isn’t about a number and feeling good isn’t either. Nobody looks at another person and thinks “Dang, I bet that girl is 130 pounds.” Here’s the thing: people. don’t. care. At least, not as much as you think they do. When I look at a girl walking down the street or a picture on Instagram, my eyes immediately move to their legs because that is my biggest insecurity. But when I see a picture that isn’t somebody’s whole body, it makes me realize that we truly are more than our bodies. I know people who aren’t completely stick-skinny and who are the most beautiful girls in the entire world. And a lot of it is their soul. Numbers cannot measure your soul and maybe that’s where we should start.

I still struggle with it, but I am lucky enough to have a wonderful support system. I have my mother who makes sure that I don’t eat too much so I won’t want to throw up. I have my father who is still learning, but is truly trying to understand and help me when I need it. I have sisters who support me and let me crawl into bed with them when I feel like I ate too much for the day. I have friends who love me and I have an amazing boyfriend who goes holds me accountable for what I eat. And, when I have that late-night milkshake, stays with me at 2 a.m. when I am crying tears of regret. He looks at me and tells me that I am beautiful like no one ever has. And for him, I want to love myself. He spends every day of his life trying to convince me that I am good enough and one day I know I will believe it. I know that I will get better soon; it just takes my time. As of now, I am just learning to look in the mirror and not completely despise what I see– that’s progress and that’s all I can ask for.

But this goes to show that the ultimate choice is yours. Whether you need therapy or assistance to get you through it, there is no one else who will be with you every time you look in the mirror and put yourself down. There is only you. So do it for you. Do it because you don’t want your future daughter to ever look at herself the way you look at yourself in the mirror. You are beautiful and a gift from God. It isn’t going to be easy and there are going to be days when you start to sink back into your old habits, but one bad day isn’t the end of the world.

Keep going. Do it for yourself.