This article is mostly a discussion about my experiences with my anxiety and my unsuccessful adventure of trying to get off of my medication. I am not one to air my dirty laundry so this topic is rather difficult for me to write. Therefore, I am going to pretend I am telling my journal how I feel.

Dear Journal,

Recently I have been wanting to get off my anti-anxiety medicine for multiple reasons. I didn't want to fill my body with pills my entire life. I wanted to be as happy as I was without the use of medication. Maybe that way I knew I was truly a strong and happy person because I was happy, not because medication was making me happy. Before I decided to do this, I had this great mindset. I was the happiest I had ever been. I was realizing that my happiness only comes from me and that I should live life for me only because this is only my life. And then I met a girl. I suddenly took 1000 steps backwards at about 1000 mph. I quickly became dependent on her attention to feel that happiness I once felt by myself. She decided to leave, like all the ones you depend on do, and she conveniently did it shortly after I decided to start getting off my medication.

My anxiety is probably not the same as any others, or maybe it is. I am not the type to have anxiety attacks where I start hyperventilating or crying and freaking out past recognition. Bless those who are. My anxiety is the type that my thoughts become unclear. I lose confidence in myself. Worst of all I become angry. The littlest things can make me tick. I notice everything and the sounds of people walking or breathing irritate me to the point I imagine myself freaking out. Possibly exploding. I lose motivation to do anything, including writing this article. I do anything to keep me from thinking. I read contemporary books. I watch TV more than I ever have before. But most of my time is spent watching YouTube videos about anything and everything that inspires me and distracts me, or starring at the blinking cursor on my computer screen. I was responsible and I talked to my doctor first who approved me getting off of my medication as long as I weened myself off of it. Its now been over a week with taking half my dose and I have never felt so far from myself.

As much as I wish I could be happy on my own, as much as I believe our brains are the most powerful thing to exist and that the brain can let you be everything you want to be, maybe whatever chemical imbalance I have may be something my brain is not capable of fixing on its own. Even though I desperately wish I did not need medication to feel like myself again, maybe giving up apart of myself to be medication free simply is not worth it. I would rather be back to my old happy self who was excited to do things rather than to sit here and be angry or distracted just so I am not angry. And all of this is okay. I know that a lot of medications are over prescribed in America, but if you truly need help, if you truly feel like you are not yourself, if you cannot make it stop from your own will, there are things that can help you. Admitting you need help is the hardest part. But once you take that first step I promise you that you instantly feel relief and you already become stronger. So if you, journal, if you are someone who has already asked for help just know that I am proud of you. If you are someone who is perfectly great and does not need any help or medication, I am also proud of you. And if you are someone who needs help, but does not know what to do or say, that you feel like you are drowning and you cannot scream for help, just know that I care about you. You have so many people who care about you. All the best people who support all of you and will always accept you, and the flaws. Like always, live life for you and do it now. After all, we only get one.

I hope this finds you well,

-Lauren