The week of February 22-28th is National Eating Disorder Awareness week; it also happens to be the week of my birthday—which is why I'm choosing to address this issue now. Also, because I just watched a movie called, "The Road Within" and one of the main characters (who happens to share the same first name as me), struggles with an eating disorder. It brought me back to my freshman year of high school, where I secretly was dealing with a form of disordered eating.
I rarely speak about this time period in my life, and I'm almost positive most of my high school friends did not know I had a form of anorexia. I had what is called, "Anorexia Athletica", meaning what ever food I consumed, I tried to burn off with various forms of exercise. Most people looked at me and assumed I was fit.
Growing up, I've always been the "small girl". Having a short build of 5'2, and a fairly fast metabolism, my weight was never something I even thought about—until puberty. I was in eighth grade when I noticed I was gaining weight. Being so short, adding five pounds to my frame, is actually noticeable. The first time I stepped on the scale, I weighed in at 117. To most people, that seems like a fairly normal weight; but to a sensitive eighth grader going through hormonal changes, it was huge.
I slowly started to change my diet, and went on runs each night. I woke up each morning and recorded my weight change. I became obsessed. The lowest weight I dropped down to was 88 pounds. I was so miserable, and constantly hungry. I started having blackouts. I remember this one instance: I was walking to my brothers room and started loosing my vision. I woke up on the floor of my brothers room. That's when I knew I had a problem. That, and the fact that I couldn't eat food without feeling anxious or scared. I lost all sight of things that were important, including my friends. The only thing that mattered to me was loosing more weight.
The one instance that shook me to my core, was the night of my brother's birthday. My mom had made this decadent chocolate cake, and brought it to the dinner table. She cut me a slice, and I just broke down. How to explain that I could not eat that piece of cake, how it would ruin me. My whole family looked at me and said, "it's just a piece of cake, it's not the end of the world." But it was, it was the 500 calories I had burned off. It was another six-mile run. It was a trip to the bathroom with my fingers down my throat.
To this day, I still can't explain how my mentality changed. I just woke up one morning, and I was tired. I was tired of all the lies, tired of feeling my tailbone sticking out while I was sleeping, and I was tired of constant blackouts. However, an eating disorder never really goes away. It's the voice in the back of your head that tells you to put the cookie down, or that tells you to go to the gym. Though, I am now confident with myself, and my body - it took years to get to this point.
After my eating disorder, I gained all the weight back and a whole lot more. I jumped to 127. Overtime, I learned to eat normally and the weight naturally shed off. However, the mentality of an eating disorder took years to overcome. Gaining my confidence back was difficult, and was only achieved by the love and support of those around me.
Having an eating disorder showed me how important it is to love yourself, and to not let society form my ideals of beauty. It taught me how to have a healthy relationship with food, and that weight doesn't matter. I still catch myself having negative thoughts, but I learned to push them out. If you know anyone with an eating disorder, support them and love them unconditionally - even if they shut you out.
I hope telling my story shed some light on the realities of eating disorders, and if you have/had an eating disorder: stay strong.
