As the Stanford rape case has gotten more and more well-deserved attention, discussion of rape and justice has been at an all-time high on everyone's newsfeeds. In the midst of all the provocative opinions, pleas for respect and better judgement, promises to raise our sons better to that our daughters will never have to go through such horror, one piece stood out to me more than others. I’m Male. I’m in My 20s. And I Have Something to Say to the Girl Who Got Raped at Stanford is amongst many well-intentioned male testimonials on how they would have acted at the scene, how sound their morals are as if it matters to the victims of sexual assault. Here is a selection of quotes from that masterpiece and my reaction to them.
“I’m single”
Okay.
“I’m so sorry it wasn’t me who found you by the dumpster instead of him. I would have called for help while trying to get you to eat some bread. I would have gone to your phone to try and call one of your friends to come get you. I would have given you my coat, not removed yours.”
Wow! Let me just rephrase this, for clarity:
I mean, since I’m really hell bent on this whole “not all men” rhetoric, I could talk about the two guys that arrived on scene and physically tackled Brock Turner away from the woman he was sexually assaulting. Instead, we should focus on how I would be a hero in this case by not forcing myself upon you and actually helped you instead of leaving you unconscious behind a dumpster. Bread? Girls love that. I’ve already established my relationship status, so like, just so you know.
“I don’t want you to think, not even a second, that you “asked for it” or that any of this is “your fault.” As men, it’s our job to protect women regardless of what they wear or how much they drink.”
We’re off to a good start. The admittance of a woman’s autonomy and explicitly putting all the blame on the assaulter by our author does tackle the culture of male entitlement that we live in, which has been continuously confirmed in academic spheres if you’re not convinced. The next sentence, for obvious reasons, pains me, but Christianity versus women is an entirely different discussion (if that's where the inspiration for this ideology arises from for him).
“Maybe because I have sisters I have a soft spot for women”
I really really hope to see the day where men respect women because they inherently deserve respect, not because they remind you of a blood relation of yours.
As well intentioned as this article may be, upon its conclusion, I had to wonder: who asked? Finally, the sexual assault of an intoxicated woman is met with widespread media outrage, and it's her voice, via a heartbreaking, honest, and intelligent letter to her attacker that started it all –where exactly was a man’s apology requested? When would a man’s apology ever be more valuable than sharing the victim’s account of the rape, the words of another woman on how rape culture has affected her, or generally letting women be the primary contributors to discussions on women’s issues? Victims of assault don’t need to be told that there are better men out there, that another guy would have gotten to know them more -- they need justice, they need safety, they need our support.
So if you’re someone who’s never been affected by rape or rape culture and thinks the world needs to hear your take on sexual assault, consider how to most effectively bring forward the voices of the victims rather than fill the internet with empty woes. Stand with women, please make sure you aren’t standing over us.
