If someone had kept track of all the times I grabbed my sister and squeezed her so hard I shook, stood on her head or took a toy away from her, there wouldn't be anywhere with enough space to write it all down. Using my words to express my feelings was not something I did efficiently as a child; it isn't something I do well even now. In fact, I'm so bad at using my words my body eventually starts reacting to the anxiety, anger, or sadness I've been holding inside.
I'm trying to get better, though, and I think that's all I can ask from myself.
Seeing a therapist in high school was a true exercise in learning how to use my words. I had no choice but to make the most of talking to this woman, who helped me discover the roots of why I'm depressed and why I felt so much hatred toward my sister. Turns out, there were no good reasons; I was just angry and my sister was an easy target. To her credit, she's never told me if she hated me back. I wouldn't blame her, but I'm not sure if I really want to know the truth. She and I are best friends and I would do anything for her.
When she hurts, I hurt. When she laughs, I laugh. When she loves, I love.
This is why I couldn't help but be upset when she texted me to tell me about a problem she was having at school. She was anxious and needed to talk it out. After texting back and forth for a while, I called her. I felt like she needed to hear the words I was saying instead of reading them.
She told me that she was feeling guilty. That she should have been more considerate of the feelings of a guy who likes her and not sat platonically next to another guy to watch a movie. My sister doesn't have romantic feelings toward either of these people, has never led either to believe that she does, but she doesn't want to cause drama. So she's feeling guilty that the guy who has feelings for her can't use his words and just tell her. Instead, he ignored his friends and has made my sister uncomfortable and anxious.
Again and again I told her, "This isn't your fault. You've done nothing wrong. If this person actually cared about you, they would never put you in a situation where you might feel this way. He is not being a friend. This is his issue, not yours."
What I've learned through therapy, high school and college relationships, and working with children is that society continues to tell us that emotions make us weak and we shouldn't talk about them. What I re-learn every day is exactly the opposite: emotions make us stronger. They make us human. They make us feel alive. My sister's feelings of guilt and anxiety are valid because she feels them, but it's also okay for her to feel angry and frustrated about the situation. Her friend's feelings are valid because he feels them. He's allowed to be upset that something isn't going his way, but to cause other people to feel guilty about something out of their control is not okay.
Freshman year of college is a particularly tough time to use your words. Everyone is afraid of saying the wrong thing and breaking the fragile bonds of friendship that have started to form. But you can't let that stop you. It was through the power of words that my relationship with my sister grew and is where it is. I am so grateful for the words I spoke to my therapist, friends, and family. Those words helped me discover myself. I didn't always use the right words; there were flubs and mess-ups and blanks along the way. But would I take those back if I could?
Absolutely not.
