During their time in college, one in five college-students be sexually assaulted. I was one of them.
According to RAINN, more than 50 percent of college sexual assaults occur in either August, September, October, or November. I was raped in November. Only 20 percent of female student victims, ages 18 to 24, report to law enforcement. I was 20 years old and reported. 94 percent of women who are raped experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms during the two weeks following the rape. I was one of them, and still am. 37 percent experience family/friend problems, including getting into arguments more frequently than before, not feeling able to trust their family/friends, or not feeling as close to them as before the crime. I am one of them. I can continue to find statistics that I belong under, but I am not going to, because the list will probably be endless. Neither will I go specifically into details – yet, because I have a pending court case, and I do not want to publish anything that the defense (my perpetrator's attorney) can use against me. What I can do is give you a little tour into a rape victim’s state of mind.
I was raped around three months after I transferred as a Norwegian citizen from Norway to Humboldt State University in Northern California. I had followed my dream, but never would I expect it to be turned upside down that fast. I was living the American dream, and I still am, but with some dramatic changes. I have depression, anxiety and PTSD. Since December I have been given over six different medications to cope with life. Everyday is a struggle with either depression, anxiety or PTSD, depending on what mood my body is in that day. I usually have a downhill in my depression once every second week. I just lay in bed feeling hopeless and do not want to be present in this world. I do not find any reasons for why my presence is at all important. My way out of that state of mine is either sleeping, as taking a break from life, or drinking to drug down my sorrows, so I can feel better for a couple of hours. The truth is that alcohol only makes your depression and anxiety worse.
My whole self-image is ruined. If I look at pictures of myself from before the incident, I cannot recognize that girl, even if she looks completely like me. Or wait… Not completely like me. I used to have long blonde hair that reached me to under my chest. To get a change and to feel lighter I cut my hair to the length of my cheeks on a line with my mouth. The point is that he killed me. He killed my soul. And in addition to coping with my mental illnesses and a court process, I also have to get to know myself again. Maybe it is not as easy to understand if you cannot relate yourself. I try my best to describe my experience right now, for you to understand, but to be honest… I didn’t understand rape victim’s before I became one myself. Looking in the mirror, taking selfies. I can see that my glow of passion from life is gone. I am not the same person anymore, and it is hard, because if I do not know myself anymore – who does?
What I do know is that I can use my experience to bring attention and awareness to people of how it is to be a victim of sexual assault. June is also PTSD awareness month.
Out of every 1,000 rapes, 994 perpetrators will walk free. 344 are reported to the police. 63 reports leads to an arrest. Mine did. 13 cases get referred to prosecutors. Mine did. Seven cases will lead to a felon conviction. Hopefully mine will. Six rapists will be incarcerated. Hopefully mine will.
