“My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.”

― Brennan Manning, "The Ragamuffin Gospel"

The temptation of this age is to look good without being good. We want to be the next best thing, the best at making our grades, the most financially secure, the most able to juggle volunteering, friends, and the multitude of other commitments we have. We want to be the best and if we can not be the best then we are simply not good enough.

This was my October. I wanted to do well in so many things, that I ended up not being able to be that good at anything. It left me depressed, anxious, feeling like a failure, and incredibly beat up. It left me unable to be a good disciple, student, employee, or friend. It left me tired and worn. Throughout October, I was almost running away from God, because I just could not accept his grace, his love, or his desire for me. I didn’t want let my pride down, fall to my knees, and find the strength from God. I wasn't reading his word or praying, every time I thought about God I thought about how disappointed he must be. I was being prideful in my recovery, time management skills, and ability to juggle 10,000 commitments on my own two feet. I really have nothing to put my pride in besides God. I have no strength on my own. HUMANS have no strength on their own. The Gospel is for the beat up, bedraggled, and brokenhearted.

When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. I am depressed but always speak of hope.

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadows I learn who I am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, "A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God."

Grace says the awesome truth that all is a gift. All that is good is ours not by right but by the sheer bounty of a gracious God. Grace says that God loves us enough to choose us. Grace calls us worthy. Grace says that we don’t have to be good enough because Jesus was perfect. Grace says you are not what you did on your worst day. Grace says it is not too late to go to God for strength. Grace says that God not only loves us, but ACTUALLY LIKES US.

Grace says that all we have is God. While there is much we may have earned--our grades and our money, a glass of wine and a good night's sleep--all this is possible only because we have been given so much: life itself, eyes to see and hands to touch, a mind to shape ideas, and a heart to beat with love.

We have been given God in our souls and Christ in our flesh. We have the power to believe where others deny, to hope where others despair, to love where others hurt. This and so much more is sheer gift; it is not a reward for our faithfulness, our generous disposition, or our heroic life of prayer.

I am again brought back to the beginning quote that “My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.”

My depression often times leaves me thinking that my life is a huge disappointment to God. I’m often left feeling burnt out and a bit like a failure. It has taken enormous trust and a lot of raging confidence to accept that the love of Jesus is unchanging, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, actually for me. For so long I looked at God as a "Fearful Lord" rather than "Loving Abba-Father- Daddy." Jesus says to us “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened” He knew we would grow tired, depressed, discouraged, and disheartened along the way. But he still wants us to come to him. Sometimes the strongest we will ever be, is when we are on our knees. Come to him. Go to him. RUN TO HIM. Fall down at his feet and let him have your burden. This shows the genuine humanness of Jesus Christ. He had no romantic idea of discipleship. He knew that following him was as unsentimental as duty, and simultaneously as demanding as love.

I want you to take a second and imagine that Jesus is calling you today. He extends a second invitation to accept His Father's love. And maybe you answer, "Oh, I know what that is. “

And God answers, "No, that's what you don't know. You don't know how much I love you. The moment you think you understand is the moment you do not understand. I am God, not man. You tell others about Me - your words are shallow. My words are written in the blood of My only Son.

Did you know that every time you tell Me you love Me, I say thank you?”

Imagine that for a second, God smiling down on you, saying thank you. What does he actually have to thank us for?

I think if God had a refrigerator, all of our pictures would be on it. And I’ve never felt more peaceful knowing that. God actually likes us.

So for Ragamuffins like myself, remember that God's name is Mercy. We see our darkness as a prized possession because it drives us into the heart of God. Without mercy our darkness would plunge us into despair - for some, self-destruction. Take some time alone with God and sit as He reveals the unfathomable depths of the poverty of the spirit. We are so poor that even our poverty is not our own: It belongs to the mysterium tremendum of a loving God. We are seized by the power of a great affection – a LOVING GOD.

You, dear reader, are deeply loved by Jesus Christ, and you have done nothing to earn it and deserve it. I pray that you accept it.