Summer time can mean a weird job, funny adventures with your friends, staying at home, or a family vacation.
Going on a family vacation can be as unpredictable as Donald Trump's hair in the wind, as difficult as cow tipping by yourself, or as easy as fishing in a stocked pond. Here are a few situations and tips to best prepare you for your next family vacation.
1. Underage?
Maybe even just the youngest one around? The more adultish adults who now have offspring see a night without children when they look at you. And to a worn out married couple with kids, there's nothing sweeter. To best defend your freedom, make plans for later in the evenings ahead of time. Make it apparent that you have your own life too and that you weren't the one who pushed a human out of you/adopted a human/fathered a human. Find something you're interested in doing and commit to talking about it and when your family sees you're excited and are living your own life, they won't be as tempted to ask you to forfeit your day or evening to watch their uncontrollable screaming brats, to whom you claim you have no relation. I once crashed a 60th wedding anniversary party in Montauk just so I wouldn't have to deal with someone else's kids.
2. Waiting.
Dust off that GShock and break out your Rolex. You'll check your watch more on vacation than you ever planned to. For dinner even though you made a reservation. Large parties in crowded places can mean slow service so be prepared with games on your phone or even picking up a kids menu to play a good old game of tic-tac-toe, hangman, or color the picture. Don't hesitate to be childish, you can only get away with it for so long. My favorite thing to do is leave. I just start walking around and exploring on my own to get a better feel for wherever we're on vacation and really understand the area. I've found hole-in-the-wall restaurants and shops that I would have otherwise never seen. Give your explorative side a shot and take a walk; it might even give you a chance to decompress!
3. Flip the question.
Interrogation turned interview. We've all heard it, "Where are you going to school? And what are you studying again dear? What do you plan on doing after graduation? Is there anyone special in your life?" Being asked the same questions over and over again, whether it's by family members, family friends, or even that random guy your brother-in-law met at the pool, gets old. While it's annoying, remember they are asking because it's polite but also because they can remember being your age. Some may even call them their glory days. But no matter what, if you're trying to dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge your way through the conversation, turn the interview on them. Even if you know the answers already, I've found it entertaining to start asking them the same questions. Where did you go to school? Try to get them to compare what they wanted to do after graduation versus what they actually did do. This usually gets them into that weird limbo where they realize they are asking annoying questions. At the very least, you could learn something interesting about their life and maybe get a good story or two.
4. Be prepared.
Whether you were a Girl Scout, Boy Scout, or just scouted the backyard for sun rays, being prepared has its perks. With a big family, things can go wrong. Even with a small family, vacations have a lot of moving parts and can get cumbersome. Dinner could take an hour even though you have a reservation, family members are interested in different things and can end up short on time because everyone is pulling in different directions. My best solution is to be prepared. Bring a bag (a purse or backpack will do). I have a few essentials that even when I don't use them, others do, and they end up being indebted to me- or at the very least, thankful. Here's my quick list: sunglasses, chapstick, Advil/Tylenol, a snack, gum/mints, tissues, a pen, your room key/house key, and ear buds. This is your daily emergency make your day easier kit. With a bigger group or even one oriented towards spending a lot of time together, you don't want to be the one forgetting things. You could also save the day when an aunt is struggling to find a Chapstick and doesn't want to spend the $3.86 at the hotel gift shop.
5. (Don't) Get lost.
My family perpetually sucks with directions. I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't even know the cardinal ones. Whether you have a small family or a big one, getting places on vacation can be a huge hassle. Someone will have the directions but then a different person will be driving and a whole other person (maybe even in a different car) will want to make the whole caravan stop and go antiquing. It only gets worse if they've been drinking. Lacking directions can wreck a whole day by getting everyone involved tense or on edge. Use your technology to help everyone stay on track. It might seem simple to you but no adult on family vacation (unless he or she is ultra organized) is thinking about having the best directions to their destination. Even then, they might not know how to read them. While everyone is talking and milling about, get the simplest directions to the head honcho so you don't field the brunt of anyone's anger or sass from the built up tension.
6. Run like a bandit!
To your room. Steal time for yourself at night or in the morning or even if it means taking a walk in the middle of the day. Make sure you have some time to consult with yourself and check in to make sure you won't go catatonic the next time someone asks you about your maybe significant other. Make sure you can take the time to decompress because family, even when you love them, can drive any sane person to the hotel lobby. Don't get so far in over your head with family drama and BS that you end up emotionally eating every type of chocolate the mini mart has to offer. Breath; there's plenty of air around when you find your own space and they're your family. While you can't replace them, you can find the strength to accept them, and that might just require you to take a few minutes to yourself.
7. Older relatives pointing out young attractive people of the opposite sex.
This will happen whether you are in a relationship or not. I like to think they are just encouraging us to make use of our younger years before we start to look more and more like raisins. Warning: this will also happen if you're gay; they are pointing them out to you because you're the only person with a chance with that attractive waiter/bus boy/lifeguard/bell hop/bar tender/concierge. Who knows? Maybe it's just my family. But, if it happens to you too, here's my best suggestion. Suppress the urge to turn and say, "No, Grandma I don't want to write my number on the check for him to find". Go for something more along the lines of, "He/She would have been all over you back in the day, right Grandma/pa?" Or, "that looks like that ex of Grandpa/ma's, don't you think?" Their head will spin around so fast and the conversation won't even know how to wiggle back around to your love life.
8. Ear buds save lives.
They don't call them ear "buds" for nothing. These contraptions have kept me from saying things I shouldn't, doing things I couldn't, and helped me manage to keep an impressive cool in the midst of familial insanity like any good friend would. Throw on some tunes, that part is up to you, and you'll be able to tune out most anything unless it's directed right at you. In which case, the question flip (7) works nicely.
9. Plug it in, plug it in.
Your phone, that is. If all else fails and you simply cannot avoid the misery of your family dream vacation turned Hunger Games, frolic to the Internet. Read something on The Odyssey, find your bliss on Instagram, learn how to make a pineapple raspberry smoothie; anything that gets your mind off of the situation at hand. Making sure your phone is charged before you leave your main residence will keep a nice safety blanket available to you at all times. Make sure you take advantage of being at your dad's old college buddy's house and charge that phone. No more staring out the window wishing you were on this vacation alone or back in the comfort of your bed.
While family vacations can frustrate more than a hang nail and irritate like a brain freeze, the people you're surrounded by, crazy or not, will be yours unconditionally for the rest of your life. They'll be there when your kids are born, they'll call when you get hurt, they might even be there or send flowers. While we aren't guaranteed anything in this life, try to acknowledge the strength it takes for a family to stay together and know that you are integral in that system. If that doesn't work, just remember they taught you how to use a spoon and a toilet which basically means you're forever indebted to them. Good luck!
