There comes a morning in August or early September when the birds' chirps are more pleasant, the coffee is bolder and SportsCenter has stopped analyzing the NBA Finals (maybe that's a stretch, but it would be the icing on the cake). This is the morning of your fantasy football draft, and as pleasant as this morning is, you will soon be sitting in a room full of your best friends who, as soon as the draft clock hits 0, will turn into some of the most ruthless GMs known to man. There's a lot that one can stress about during the two- to three-hour process of putting together a winning team, but don't fret. I've boiled it down to the questions you really need to be asking. I'm no Matthew Berry, but my accolades are plentiful. My friends will tell you I came in dead last in the 2013 season. I call it a rebuilding phase. 2014 Regular Season Champion. 'Nuff said.
What should my team name be?
Just as authors have trouble thinking of titles for their articles and novels, so do fantasy footballers for their team. The team is an extension of you. Don't choose a name just because it's a funny play on words or sounds cool, pick a name that speaks to you. This sounds eerily similar to advice for choosing a college, but it works. I used to be that guy (2010: Revis and Butthead, 2011: Rodger that (yikes)) and I regret every bit of those seasons. If you're playing with a group of friends, make your team name an inside joke or make it a play on your friend's name. Just for the love of God, please don't name your team InstaGraham.
Materials needed for the draft?
The draft is a grueling process. It can sometimes take three-plus hours, especially if you play with guys who wait until one second left to make every pick. Definitely pack some snacks, and if you're a caffeine junkie like me, keep an iced coffee on hand. Outside of nourishment, bring a tablet/smartphone to do your research; don't want to have too many tabs open on that precious laptop and risk crashing it. Good luck charms not required, but highly recommended.
What's the punishment this year?
If you're playing in a credible league, chances are that there's a punishment for the person who comes in dead last. Coming in last not only gives you the internal embarrassment that you know nothing about football, but it gives your friends an opportunity to heckle you until the following August. Punishments can include wearing your least favorite team's jersey every Sunday, getting pelted with tomatoes, or the worst...a horrendous tattoo.
Who do I draft with the first pick?
Congratulations on getting the first pick! Now, what the hell do you do with it? In my fantasy experience, getting the first pick is more times a curse rather than a blessing. You're always left with regrets (RIP Adrien Peterson of 2013), and in a serpentine draft, you don't pick again for what seems like an eternity. That being said, this season Yahoo ranks the top three players as Jamal Charles, AP, and Eddie Lacy. I'm a Packers fan, but I don't know what Lacy is doing in the top three. I'd go with Jamal, only because I've been screwed by AP before, but this may be a job for a good ole' coin flip.
When do I draft Tom Brady?
Right now, Tom Brady is the ninth-rated QB, but he still sits in the middle of the Deflategate controversy. He is currently out for the first four games of the season, which means in no way shape or form should he be picked before almost your whole starting lineup is put together. While there is a chance that Brady gets the suspension revoked, please don't be that overly confident Patriots fan who picks him early.
The draft doesn't determine everything, but it does mean a lot. Make smart picks, but always make moves during the season. Injuries are bound to happen, and the best GMs know how to work around them. Your team at the end of the season may look totally different than the team you drafted. Just have fun, don't overanalyze, and don't pick Johnny Manziel (despite what my subheader and Drake say).
