We all have friends. Or at least we’d like to think so. Okay, let’s hold up because that was extremely straight forward… Actually – screw it, it’s true, many of our friends are false. This brings up the question: What makes someone my friend? I will answer this with the fact that friendship is subjective. Some people can meet someone for the first time in some random coffee shop in the middle of New York City, hold a five-minute conversation with them and call them their friend. For some other people, it may take way longer to develop a friendship for them. The thing is, it’s different for each person. For me, there are certain things that a person needs to reach in order to take the step from acquaintance to friend. Now, I’m not saying that these things are essential for a good or healthy or true friendship, I’m just personally stating that these are the things that make a good friendship in my perspective.

The first characteristic is loyalty. There are many people out there who would betray their friend in a heartbeat if the conditions and terms were right. Although that’s horrible, I’m not talking about that kind of loyalty. Many people mix up what loyalty actually should mean. Loyalty is not blind. It isn’t something that one practices towards someone without any questions asked. Your loyalty as a friend is not loyalty to your friend but to their well-being. You always be there to assist them in their times of struggle and need. You also need to be there to possibly stop them from doing something harmful to themselves or others. The reason why we have friends is so that we have a third-party influence. Many times, we look at a situation and we overlook key details in which a friend would not miss. A friend is there to keep you in check and to defend you in times you’re there and in times that you’re not there. This brings us into the next characteristic of defender.

You know that someone is a keeper if they will stand up for you in times when you’re attacked by others. However, there are some friends who are too shy which means it is probably hard for them to stand up for you even if their entire heart wishes it so. But there are multiple different scenarios in which one can defend their friend. There are, what I like to call them, first person encounters, second person encounters, and third person encounters.

First person encounters are when your friend is presently attacked while you are with them. The attacks do not have to be physical and if they are physical, you should probably try and break up the fight and prevent your friend from fighting. Unless you are being mugged or murdered or kidnapped, then you guys can flee or fight till you get away. But this isn’t really about physical attacks, this is about attacks by words. A huge problem in today’s society is bullying. I would throw some statistics at you but everyone knows and have seen bullying before whether it was directed toward you or someone else. There are a lot of different ways of dealing with bullies. I’ve heard that ignoring them works; I’ve also heard to look like you’re taking it as a joke; I’ve also heard to just report it to a teacher. In my personal experience and knowledge, all of these do not work. The only way to stop a bully is to take away what they are looking for: an audience. If you get enough bystanders to stand up against the bully, then they will stop because it will activate their true selves which is a beaten down and insecure person. (That’s a topic for another article).

Second person encounters are when your friend is attacked but they are not there to defend themselves. This is when it’s your job to defend them or at least try and change the subject. Sometimes you have two friends you absolutely hate one another and you hear crap about the other from the other constantly. That’s when you try and discourage that kind of talk around you or you take the initiative to try and clear it up by talking to them. Lots of people will say that people tell them crap about their other friends but they don’t do anything about. They don’t spread it and they even go and tell their friend what the other person said. That’s being a good friend, right? Well then, ask yourself, Why did they feel comfortable telling you about the crap on the other person? Being a good friend is like being a Christian. You don’t just be a good friend when you’re around a person but all the time. This is like, you don’t just be a good Christian when you’re in church.

Third person encounters are what I like to think as the worst encounters ever because they are literally pointless. These would be encounters such as cyberbullying. I call these pointless because the people who are attacking the other people aren’t doing it in person. It’s impossible to have arguments via online. You look at Facebook debates and you realize that there is no point in posting a comment, waiting ten minutes for the other person to respond and reading a huge paragraph as you and the other person go back and forth restating your argument while getting nowhere. If someone attacks someone online, then get offline. That’s the best thing to do in all cases. This is a situation in which you can ignore what is being said. People posting defensive comments aren’t going to change anything. There is no face to face intimidation that happens because the people doing the hurting feel safe in their temporary bubble because everything they are doing is in the comfort of their home. They can say whatever they want with hardly any repercussions.

So far, we’ve discussed that a good friend needs to be loyal and someone who will stand up for you. The final two go together; they need to be trustworthy and they need to know your past. First off, in general a friend needs to be trustworthy because how are you to confide in them? You need to know that they are going to stand up for you, that they will be loyal, that they will not try and hurt you, and that they can keep your secrets a secret. Without trustworthiness, there is no way that you’ll even feel safe or comfortable around them. If they are trustworthy then that leads to the next question: do they know me?

Personally, there are a lot of people back at home whom I can hang out with, have a dandy time, laugh and joke, and chill with but not all of them actually know me and neither do I know them either. I think, in order to make a friend a friend, you’ve got to sit down with them and get to know them, their past, their favorite things, their preferences, their skills, and so forth. It doesn’t have to happen all at once though. A lot of the times, this is a process that can take months even years to accomplish. If someone knows your past, that makes them able to understand you better, to connect with you more, and to, in all, become closer to you than they were before. I’m not saying they have to know everything about you because everyone is different when it comes to that but for me, I’d like to know quite a bit about them and them to know quite a bit about me. In my point of view, I can consider someone a friend if I can just ask if they want to go hang out or eat lunch or something, and if we do it, it wouldn’t feel awkward.

These are obviously not as in depth as I would’ve liked to have gone but these are just the basic outline of what makes someone my friend.